Bravissimo Cafe and Pizzeria--Santa Monica, CA

2400-D Main Street
Santa Monica, CA 90405
310-392-7466
Website address withheld so that this awful place does not benefit from any traffic from this site.

It really came out looking like this.

The Bravissimo Cafe and Pizzeria's website proclaimed, "The Ferrara tradition continues."  While this may be a fact, I must, in good conscience, state publicly and for the record that this was not a good thing.


It all started last week when I walked past the window of this joint and saw a sign advertising the following.

Now appearing: 

The world's greatest burger

Eat Love

"The Bravissimo Burger"

I was foolish not to assume that "Bravissimo" meant anything other than over-priced, incompetent, and bland--I was naive, and I wanted to believe....but I have skipped ahead a bit.

Happy Meal and I decided to minimize the risk at the outset of this ill-fated adventure. He ordered a slice of pizza, and I ordered the World's Greatest Burger. From there it all just went terribly, terribly wrong.

Issue 1--The counter staff was clueless as to what went into the burger, where the bun came from, etc. This was not her fault. The blame for this was all on the management for forcing an employee to be incompetent.

Issue 2--Happy Meal received and finished his slice before my burger ever left the griddle.

Issue 3--The burger that I ordered Med-Well arrived DEAD RAW after an 18-minute wait.

Issue 4--The second attempt was Medium. I just gave up and went with that version. 30 minutes was long enough to wait for what was clearly destined to be inadequate chow.

Issue 5--The fries from the first attempt were re-cooked and used for the second attempt, so they were bleak and dry.

The raw blend of mystery ingredients on the 1st try

Issue 6--The Romaine lettuce on the burger was limp and dead.

Issue 7--The top of the bun was scorched. 

Issue 8--The bacon on the burger was cool to the touch.

Issue 9--The burger patty was charred.

These things were all clear before I took a single bite from this burger.

The Burger Breakdown...

The Beef: The menu claimed that the Chuck was ground fresh daily--neat. The 8-ounce meatball was bland--as bland as water. The beef was oily to the point of giving Happy Meal and myself stomach aches from the 4 ounces that we each consumed. The only flavor evident was char, and bitter is not the sort of flavor that a burger should lead with, let alone be the only notable flavor.

The Seasoning: There was NONE. The kitchen at Bravissimo Cafe and Pizzeria failed to use any seasonings in the ground Chuck or on the surface of the comically bland patty to add any flavor. Now, the raw patty, that I sent back, was full of all manner of mystery items (see scary photo). The Medium patty, that I ate, contained none of those ingredients. I am uncertain if I dodged a bullet or missed out on something awesome due to the incompetence and the inconsistency of the kitchen staff.

The Sear: There was a charred patch at the bottom of my burger patty--does that count?

The Preparation: Haphazard, shoddy, careless, diffident, weak, poor--these are all words that come to mind. 

The Cheese: The cheeseburger at Bravissimo Cafe and Pizzeria came with a little bland Cheddar and a dash of Bleu cheese, but these cheeses were lost in the bland, greasy, charred sphere of weakness that compressed the bun like a sweaty, sumo wrestler on a down pillow.

The Bun: Aside from being charred on the outside, the bun was only nominally toasted on the inner surfaces. It seemed that 30 minutes was too short a time to properly toast a burger bun. The bun itself was soft and fresh. It was also very bland. 

The Meat To Bun Ratio: The bland, oily wad of burned Chuck overpowered, soaked through, and flattened the bland, scorched bun at Bravissimo Cafe and Pizzeria.

The Toppings: More of the same. The bacon was cool to the touch. The "caramelized"onions promised on the menu--not so much. The slivers of raw, red onion were scattered under the assembled burger--huh? The Romaine lettuce leaf was wilted and sad. 

The vastly different ingredients in the 2nd attempt at Med-Well

The Fries: The over-cooked, peel-off, steak fries were scorched, bitter, and dry. They were barely seasoned.

The Value: Bravissimo Cafe and Pizzeria appeared to be in the One And Done business of bilking tourists with $12 burgers. There was clearly no interest in repeat customers. Not once did the counter staff check in to see if the burger was satisfactory. I assumed this was because they were keenly aware that they were serving up crap, and they didn't need for me to confirm this.

Happy Meal put it best, "That's what you get for ordering a burger at a pizza place, Dad."

A more appetizing presentation of an unpleasant burger

Burger Review : Bravissimo Cafe and Pizzeria served up a shoddy, over-priced, bland cheeseburger. Terrible, just terrible. I walked in hungry. I walked out with a stomach ache. This adventure was a complete waste of time and 20 bucks.

Rating...2 Bites (rounded up from 1.5 Bites)

El Burger Luchador--Los Angeles, CA

Food Truck based out of San Pedro, CA.
website

El Burger Luchador was parked downstairs from my office. Since I was clearly meant to sample this burger, I obliged fate and ordered a burger. A standard cheeseburger with fries was $8.00. My meal was ready in about 7 minutes. The naming convention was used in the menu, but I wanted something a little more over the top. It seemed like a gimmick they could have had more fun with.

The Burger Breakdown...

The Beef: El Burger Luchador used 8 ounces of 80:20 Chuck to create the base for their burgers. The Chuck was beefy and juicy. It was not complex, but it was relatively satisfying. Judging by the flat sides and nearly perfect roundness of the patties, I guessed that the patties came pre-formed from the meat supplier.

The Seasoning: My burger patty was well-seasoned with a blend of salt and pepper. I noted a dusting of Cotija cheese (sort of a Mexican Parmesan), and this added a hint of iron to the burger.

The Sear: What sear? Either the burger was steamed on a too cool griddle, or it had been precooked. Either way, the sear was non-existent. This was a case where a hearty sear would have truly made this burger pop.

The Preparation: The burger patty was completely cooked through to Well-Done. It was a juicy and beefy Well-Done with no hint of chewiness. The beef was ground at a medium setting and cooked on a too cool, gas-fired, flat-top griddle. 

The Cheese: El Burger Luchador topped my cheeseburger with a slice of American cheese. The cheese was well-melted, but there was not enough of it to stand up to the thick Brioche bun. The cheese faded into the scenery and was as notable and memorable as a background dancer. Remember K Fed's work? Exactly.

The Bun: The bun was a thick, fresh, moist, sweet Brioche. The skin was on the leathery side, but otherwise the bun was fine. It was not toasted to a meaningful degree, so the bun added no crispness to the burger.

The Fries: El Burger Luchador provided peel-on wedges. The potato wedges were crisp, nicely browned, well-seasoned, and boasted creamy centers.

The Value: 8 bucks for a full meal was average. I ate half of my cheeseburger and took the rest home to Happy Meal.

I wouldn't go out of my way tracking down the El Burger Luchador truck, but I wouldn't flip them off in traffic. El Burger Luchador prepared an average burger at an average price, and this was just fine.

Burger Review : That'll do, El Burger Luchador, that'll do.

Rating...3 Bites

Not A Burger Stand -- Burbank, CA

1221 W Riverside Dr
Burbank California 91506
818-567-9990
website

As a burger reviewer, upon reading the name "Not A Burger Stand," I was ethically obligated/compelled to see if they had a burger on the menu. There was burger, so off to Burbank on a Saturday afternoon with Happy Meal. Parking was available at no charge in the attached lot of the small 13 tables (inside and out) establishment. We ordered a couple of the 7 Oz Beef Burgers, a side of fries, an order of chili cheese fries, and a soda. This came to about $25. Our order arrived at our table in about 15 minutes. The chili cheese fries arrived first, and that was appropriate, since they were an appetizer.

The Burger Breakdown...

The Beef: This was plain old Chuck. I noted the 10-pound, clear ,plastic tube of ground beef on the counter of the cramped kitchen, so I did not kid myself about stellar quality. The fat content was 30%, so we ordered our burgers Med-Well to render off some of the copious fat--we wanted to live to eat on another day. The beef in the cheeseburger at Not A Burger Stand was unremarkable in terms of both texture and flavor. The flavor was beefy, and that was it. The burger was not juicy. There were no notes of iron, funk, etc. This was a very basic burger.

The Seasoning: The exterior of the burger patty was liberally salted, and this maximized the beefiness of the patty.

The Sear: Not A Burger Stand grilled the burgers on cast iron grates, and these imparted reasonable grill marks on the patty. The hash marks on the patty demonstrated that the patty was turned too many times, and this accounted for the relative dryness of the bite. The sear, while not crisp, did carry a bit of char, and this gave the burger a backyard BBQ flavor. It was fine.

The Preparation: The burger at Not A Burger Stand was prepared competently but from the most average of ingredients. The result was an average cheeseburger.

The Cheese: Meh. This was a mild Cheddar. While the Cheddar carried a hint of iron, the slice was too thin to truly create an impact in terms of flavor, texture, or moisture. The cheese was properly melted.

The Bun: Not A Burger Stand employed an eggy and savory brioche. The brioche was not sweet, buttery, or light. It was a glorified Kaiser roll. The bun was reasonably fresh. It was semi-toasted on the grill, but this imparted no crispness to the bite.

The Meat To Bun Ratio: This was fine, but I did eat the second half of the burger without the bun, since savory on savory was a waste of calories.

The Toppings: The tomato slice was hard, bland, and under-ripe. The Iceberg lettuce was just fine.

The Chili Cheese Fries: Not A Burger Stand's idea of chili was raw, diced tomato mixed with lightly salted ground beef nuggets, some unseasoned beans from a can, and a bit of cheese. There was no trace of chili powder, heat, or the creaminess that one associates with chili fries. The result was fries made lank from the beef juice and rendered bland. This side was an absolute flop.

The Fries: The fries were perfectly fine. Food service bagged, frozen, peel-off, par-cooked, shoestring fries. The fries were crisp and properly seasoned. The fries were the best part of the meal, and that is generally a bad sign.

The Value: $5.75 for a 7-ounce burger would have been OK, but 30% of that 7 ounces was rendered off in the cooking process. $25 for a lackluster meal dragged the value down to an average rating.

Not A Burger Stand lived up to its name. In fairness, nothing coming out of the kitchen looked better than average.

Burger Review : Meh.

Rating...3 Bites