Bravissimo Cafe and Pizzeria--Santa Monica, CA

2400-D Main Street
Santa Monica, CA 90405
310-392-7466
Website address withheld so that this awful place does not benefit from any traffic from this site.

It really came out looking like this.

The Bravissimo Cafe and Pizzeria's website proclaimed, "The Ferrara tradition continues."  While this may be a fact, I must, in good conscience, state publicly and for the record that this was not a good thing.


It all started last week when I walked past the window of this joint and saw a sign advertising the following.

Now appearing: 

The world's greatest burger

Eat Love

"The Bravissimo Burger"

I was foolish not to assume that "Bravissimo" meant anything other than over-priced, incompetent, and bland--I was naive, and I wanted to believe....but I have skipped ahead a bit.

Happy Meal and I decided to minimize the risk at the outset of this ill-fated adventure. He ordered a slice of pizza, and I ordered the World's Greatest Burger. From there it all just went terribly, terribly wrong.

Issue 1--The counter staff was clueless as to what went into the burger, where the bun came from, etc. This was not her fault. The blame for this was all on the management for forcing an employee to be incompetent.

Issue 2--Happy Meal received and finished his slice before my burger ever left the griddle.

Issue 3--The burger that I ordered Med-Well arrived DEAD RAW after an 18-minute wait.

Issue 4--The second attempt was Medium. I just gave up and went with that version. 30 minutes was long enough to wait for what was clearly destined to be inadequate chow.

Issue 5--The fries from the first attempt were re-cooked and used for the second attempt, so they were bleak and dry.

The raw blend of mystery ingredients on the 1st try

Issue 6--The Romaine lettuce on the burger was limp and dead.

Issue 7--The top of the bun was scorched. 

Issue 8--The bacon on the burger was cool to the touch.

Issue 9--The burger patty was charred.

These things were all clear before I took a single bite from this burger.

The Burger Breakdown...

The Beef: The menu claimed that the Chuck was ground fresh daily--neat. The 8-ounce meatball was bland--as bland as water. The beef was oily to the point of giving Happy Meal and myself stomach aches from the 4 ounces that we each consumed. The only flavor evident was char, and bitter is not the sort of flavor that a burger should lead with, let alone be the only notable flavor.

The Seasoning: There was NONE. The kitchen at Bravissimo Cafe and Pizzeria failed to use any seasonings in the ground Chuck or on the surface of the comically bland patty to add any flavor. Now, the raw patty, that I sent back, was full of all manner of mystery items (see scary photo). The Medium patty, that I ate, contained none of those ingredients. I am uncertain if I dodged a bullet or missed out on something awesome due to the incompetence and the inconsistency of the kitchen staff.

The Sear: There was a charred patch at the bottom of my burger patty--does that count?

The Preparation: Haphazard, shoddy, careless, diffident, weak, poor--these are all words that come to mind. 

The Cheese: The cheeseburger at Bravissimo Cafe and Pizzeria came with a little bland Cheddar and a dash of Bleu cheese, but these cheeses were lost in the bland, greasy, charred sphere of weakness that compressed the bun like a sweaty, sumo wrestler on a down pillow.

The Bun: Aside from being charred on the outside, the bun was only nominally toasted on the inner surfaces. It seemed that 30 minutes was too short a time to properly toast a burger bun. The bun itself was soft and fresh. It was also very bland. 

The Meat To Bun Ratio: The bland, oily wad of burned Chuck overpowered, soaked through, and flattened the bland, scorched bun at Bravissimo Cafe and Pizzeria.

The Toppings: More of the same. The bacon was cool to the touch. The "caramelized"onions promised on the menu--not so much. The slivers of raw, red onion were scattered under the assembled burger--huh? The Romaine lettuce leaf was wilted and sad. 

The vastly different ingredients in the 2nd attempt at Med-Well

The Fries: The over-cooked, peel-off, steak fries were scorched, bitter, and dry. They were barely seasoned.

The Value: Bravissimo Cafe and Pizzeria appeared to be in the One And Done business of bilking tourists with $12 burgers. There was clearly no interest in repeat customers. Not once did the counter staff check in to see if the burger was satisfactory. I assumed this was because they were keenly aware that they were serving up crap, and they didn't need for me to confirm this.

Happy Meal put it best, "That's what you get for ordering a burger at a pizza place, Dad."

A more appetizing presentation of an unpleasant burger

Burger Review : Bravissimo Cafe and Pizzeria served up a shoddy, over-priced, bland cheeseburger. Terrible, just terrible. I walked in hungry. I walked out with a stomach ache. This adventure was a complete waste of time and 20 bucks.

Rating...2 Bites (rounded up from 1.5 Bites)

Mad Dogz and Burgers--Culver City, CA

9418 Venice Blvd.
Culver City, CA 90232
310-837-3836
website

I had been meaning to try Mad Dogz and Burgers for some time, and with Happy Meal sick with a cold, and me needing lunch, this seemed like a fine time. Metered parking was plentiful on the street, but I took my chances (gambled and won) and parked in the medical office parking next door to the tiny establishment. I ordered my cheeseburger from the disinterested and dismissive counter attendant--she had the personality and customer service skills of a stick. When I walked up, she was sitting on a counter, and she was in no rush to take my order. Beyond that she didn't bother to inform me of any choices that I had, up-sell me on a beverage, offer me some water, or do anything other than getting back to parking her butt back on that counter. My order of cheeseburger and fries ($7.50 before wasting money on a tip) was up in about 5 minutes.

The Burger Breakdown...

The Beef: Mad Dogz and Burgers used "Angus-grade" Chuck. I don't know what that meant, but I assumed it just meant Angus Chuck. The sliver of a patty was about 2.5 ounces and about a 1/4 of an inch thick. The flavor was beefy, and that was about it. It was clear that the burger patty had been mechanically created and stamped out. The grind was fine, and this resulted a somewhat chewy bite. The burger was neither juicy or dry. The beef was just below average.

The Seasoning: The burger patty was aggressively salted. If it hadn't been for the relatively massive bun, this would have been a deal killer. As it was, it was barely tolerable.

The Sear: Mad Dogz and Burgers got a nice sear onto the meager patty. The sear was imparted by a blazing hot flat top. This was the highlight of the meal.

The Preparation: Meh. A good sear on an over-salted, preformed patty with rubbery fries did not speak to any attention to standards in that kitchen.

The Cheese: I had a number of choices, and I went with American. I only became aware of the cheese choices after taking a fresh look at the menu board. This should have been a question that came up in the ordering process...but I digress.

The Bun: The bun, while daunting in size compared to the wee burger patty, was fresh, moist, and sweet. It was moderately and unevenly toasted.

The Meat To Bun Ratio: The bun at Mad Dogz and Burgers simply dwarfed the miniscule burger patty.

The Toppings: The Iceberg lettuce was fresh and crisp, however, the "leaves" that I got were from the center of the head, so they where pale and bitter. The tomato slice was tough and under-ripe. Consistency!

The Fries: Frozen, peel-off, par-cooked, and properly salted. Sadly, the fries were rubbery since they were under-cooked. Also, the fries were lukewarm since the fries were put up in the pass window 3 minutes before the burger was ready, and there was no heating element to maintain the temperature....sloppy but consistently sloppy.

The Value: $7.50 for poor quality service and preparation was a lousy value.

On the day that I paid a visit, Mad Dogz was consistent...consistently weak.  The staff was clearly not interested in turning out a quality product or in serving customers in any way.

Burger Review : Move along folks--nothing to see here.

Rating...2 Bites (2 generous bites)

Rambo's Kitchen--Las Vegas, NV

6085 S Fort Apache Rd 
Las Vegas, NV 89148
702-722-2626
website

The Las Vegas Review Journal pronounced Rambo's Kitchen as serving one of the best burgers in the area. Happy Meal and I decided to put that to the test. As luck would have it, The Marinater was on his way out of town, so we made the short trek from the touristy part of Las Vegas to the outskirts where Rambo's Kitchen was located. The temperature was 111 degree outside, and Happy Meal did not approve. Rambo's Kitchen looks a lot like the 60s and 70s just threw up on it. The service was a throwback, as well. Throwback---more like thrown out...the service was abhorrent. I had to track down our server no less than three times. I digress.

Parking was free in the strip mall lot where the anachronistic establishment was situated. We were seated quickly. We ordered a variety of cheeseburgers and settled in for a 15-minute wait.

The Burger Breakdown...

The Beef: Meh. The burgers at Rambo's Kitchen were 100% Chuck. In the case of our meals, the Chuck was over-cooked, bland, and rubbery. The beef was likely previously frozen. The grind was fine, and that rarely bodes well. Finely ground beef speaks to too much connective tissue. It also creates too much surface area where new protein bonds form and create a chewy bite. The flavor was mildly beefy........and that was it. The burgers were a little dry, and the fat content was at about 20%.

The Seasoning: There was no seasoning. The cheeseburgers at Rambo's Kitchen would have benefited from some seasoning.

The Sear: The sear on my thicker patty was adequate. The sear on the 1/4 pound patties that The Marinater and Happy Meal ordered was nonexistent

The Preparation: The burgers were consistently over-cooked/steamed on a gas-fired flat top. The staff cooked the burger patties under domes. This caused the thinner burger patties to steam rather than fry. The burgers were formed during morning prep. The beef arrived pre-ground. My burger, The Cheesy Cheese Burger was stuffed with cheese, since this was the award-winning burger. Rather than being good, it was simply really cheesy. I gave most of it to The Marinater and Happy Meal. My burger was the most palatable of the lot. My burger had a bit of pink due its thickness.

The Cheese: The cheese was properly melted, but it didn't stand up to the overly sweet bun or the over-cooked, rubbery beef.

The Bun: The bun was really nicely toasted and crisp, and it delivered a satisfying crunch to each bite. Sadly,the bun was overly sweet, and this was a major distraction.

The Meat To Bun Ration: The soft, fresh bun would have been a better match to a moist and properly cooked burger patty.

The Toppings: The Iceberg lettuce and tomato were both ripe and fresh.

The Fries: The fries were properly seasoned, but they were cooked to the point of translucency. Beyond that, the fries were more like fry bits. They averaged about 1/2 inch long--that was a little offputting. It seemed like we were getting whatever was left after the end of a long rush. The fries at Rambo's Kitchen were properly seasoned.

The Value: My Cheese Burger was $11.49, and that was way too much for over-cooked Chuck, vulcanized fries, and piss poor service. The value at Rambo's Kitchen was exceedingly weak.

While the service was lousy at Rambo's Kitchen, the real issue was that the cheeseburgers were equally lousy. Maybe they were having a bad day, but I review them on the day that I am there. Happy Meal does not endorse patronizing this establishment.

Burger Review : The incompetently prepared burgers were a perfect match to the incompetent service.

Rating...2 Bites

ROFL Cafe--Los Angeles, CA

7661 Melrose Ave.
Los Angeles, CA 90046
323-351-1536
website

In the words of the immortal Sam Cooke: "Another Saturday night, and I ain't got nobody..." Close, but not quite. I had Happy Meal and a Groupon for ROFL Cafe on Melrose. We found metered parking on the street with no trouble at all. ROFL Cafe was the former home of 8 Oz. Burger Bar. 8 Oz. served up a really good burger (but over-priced), and my hopes were that ROFL would keep the dream alive. The chef of the now shuttered 8 Oz., Govind Armstrong, designed the menu for the new owners. After we placed our order at the counter, we waited for about 15 minutes for our burgers to arrive. Van Morrison's "Days Like This" was playing in the background, and that should have been our queue to walk.

The Burger Breakdown...

The Beef: The stingy, 1/3 pound patty was quite beefy in flavor. It was 100% Chuck, and it was peppered with connective tissue. I stopped caring after the first bite, and did not inquire for the source of the beef. It was moderately juicy with a fat content of about 20%. The grind was coarse, and the mouth feel was a little on the chewy side. The beef was average.

The Seasoning: The kitchen at ROFL Cafe hit the burgers with  nice dose of salt and pepper as they cooked on the grill.

The Sear: What sear? The burger patty picked up some grill marks, but the heat had clearly been reserved for my bun, which was burned black. I sent it back and waited an unduly long time for a replacement.

The Preparation: The burgers were cooked on a 20 degrees too cool gas-fired grill. The patties appeared to have arrived pre-formed. I deduced this from the low quality of the beef and the relative chewiness of the cheeseburger. The bun was charred to the point of being too bitter to eat. The service was beyond poor. Even after I walked the burned bun up to the counter, no one came by to check on the food before or after the bun was replaced. A server inquired about our meal as he was clearing our plates, and I indicated that the burger was substandard. This was met with a dull stare and no verbal reply.

The Cheese: The was a nicely melted slice of bland Cheddar. The Cheddar was as mute as the server and as satisfying as the total experience at ROFL Cafe. Consistency!

The Bun: The first try was a burned, dry, chewy offense to buns everywhere. The second attempt was a toasted, moist, yeasty Kaiser roll. Oddly/insultingly, all of the photos of the cheeseburgers scattered throughout ROFL Cafe were of juicy burgers on Brioche buns. Bait and switch. It seemed that standards had been abandoned since the departure of chef Armstrong.

The Meat To Bun Ratio: Way too much bun for a skimpy 1/3 pound patty.

The Fries: The Kennebeck potatoes were cut in house and served peel-on. Sadly, the fries were over-cooked during the par-cooking process (Belgian-style). When the fries were cooked the second time, they interiors were rendered gummy, and the exteriors never properly crisped. The fries were properly seasoned, however. Consistency!

The Toppings: The avocado was fine. The bacon was lank. The Bibb lettuce was leathery.

The Ice Cream: Happy Meal felt the need for dessert, so I let him order the chocolate ice cream. The cashier did not mention that the ice cream was full of cinnamon and cayenne pepper flakes. The cinnamon was so heavy that the ice cream was gritty. It was also cloyingly sweet. Consistency!

The Value: WEAK. Even with the Groupon, the cheeseburgers at ROFL Cafe were well over-priced. 11 bucks for a small burger, lank bacon, gummy fries, and a burned bun was on par with a groin punch. 

ROFL Cafe served up what seemed like intentional consistency in every aspect of the experience. Sadly, every aspect, from soup to nuts, was bad.

Burger Review : ROFL = Rip Off, Fully Lousy. I will return when this establishment changes hands again.

Rating....2 Bites

Snake Pit Ale House--Los Angeles, CA

7529 Melrose Ave,
Los Angeles, CA 90046
310-653-2011
website
This may be one of the worst websites ever.

I had a Groupon for The Foundry, and I had heard good things about the burger there. However, when The Marinater and I arrived, we discovered that The Foundry was closed for renovations. This displeased me, but Groupon issued a prompt refund. This enraged The Marinater, who proceeded to beat up a city bus and rip a manhole cover in half. It was like watching Godzilla on PCP, but I digress.

We wandered for a bit and came upon Snake Pit Ale House. As luck would have it, they had a burger on the menu. We found free parking in the neighborhood about a block away. We spoke with the manager for a bit, and settled on a couple of $10 burgers. The shtick at Snake Pit Ale House was that one could load up that $10 burger with all sorts of toppings at no extra charge. I ordered my customary meat, bun, and cheese with a few sauces on the side. Our cheeseburgers arrived in about 15 minutes.

The Burger Breakdown...

The Beef: The beef was 100% Angus, Chuck. It was sourced at Jetro, a cash and carry restaurant wholesaler. The 6-ounce patty was about 80% lean. It was moderately beefy, and that was it. The burger meat here was perfectly average. The mouth feel of the coarsely ground beef patty was bordering on crumbly.

The Seasoning: The seasoning applied to the burger patties at Snake Pit Ale House seemed to be a sort of curry mixture. It was interesting, but not entirely appropriate for a cheeseburger. I would preferred something far more savory. This seasoning was more aromatic, and this didn't really work with the American standard dish.

The Sear: The kitchen got a mighty sear on my burger patty. Sadly, without salt and pepper, the dryish beef didn't benefit from this. It only served to make the burger a little drier.

The Preparation: The Marinater and I both requested Medium, and we both got Well Done burgers. The thick, irregular patties were formed by hand prior to the lunch shift.

The Cheese: Snake Pit Ale House offered a variety of cheese choices. I went with Cheddar. Honestly, I didn't even notice the cheese. The burger and bun were dry to the point where the cheese did not register on my palate.

The Bun: Here was where it all went terribly wrong. The brioche was toasted and toasted hard. It was crisp and dark like a thick cracker. After a few bites, it felt as it the roof of my mouth had been sandblasted. I tapped the bun with my knife to show the manager that it made a "thock thock" noise when struck. I asked if this was what they wanted to go with. He was honest and told me that this was how they served their burgers. I applauded that honesty--I did not applaud that dessicated bun. It seemed that the bun was meant to stand up to a heap of wet toppings and sauces. When I dipped my burger in the gravy or the BBQ sauce, the dish made more sense, but that bun was just mean-spirited.

The Meat To Bun Ratio: Who knows....all I know is that I had zero chance of catching food poisoning, since everything was cooked within an inch of its life.

The Fries: Same deal as the burger bun. The fries at Snake Pit Ale House were cooked until they were nearly burned. They were dark, and they remained crisp even at room temperature.

The Value: Meh. I suppose if one were to load up the burger with toppings and firmly instruct the kitchen not to immolate the food, then the value would be fine. As it was, the value was mediocre.

If you go to Snake Pit Ale House, go for the 20+ beers on tap. If you really have to have the burger, then load up on the toppings.

Rating...2 Bites

Patrick's Roadhouse -- Santa Monica, CA

106 Entrada Drive
Santa Monica, CA 90402
310-459-4544
website

The Burger Busters and the Mystery of the Empty Restaurant.

Happy Meal and I had a hankering for some seared beef. This time we decided to sample the burgers at Patrick's Roadhouse in Santa Monica, CA. It was right on the Pacific Coast Highway on the way to Malibu. The Marinater had been suggesting that we try this place for a couple of weeks in a row, since it kept coming up on his Groupon radar. Happy Meal and I swung by the giant crater where The Marinater was doing a sledge hammer workout and beckoned him to join us with the promise of a hot meal. The Marinater obliged. We found parking behind the restaurant, and once we had parked, a valet attendant popped over to inform us that we had to pay for the "service" in spite of the fact that we had parked ourselves, and there was no signage--we looked. $5.50 down the crapper right there...annoying.


We walked into a dead empty restaurant and bar. We were the only patrons at 7:00 pm on a Friday night. It was no wonder that Patrick's Roadhouse was posting a Groupon. It was deeply irksome that we paid a valet to NOT park the car only to wind up in an empty restaurant where space was certainly not at a premium. We were seated immediately. We ordered up a trio of burgers including the Dijon Plum Burger, which was the favorite of our server.

The speaker over our table was blaring while cutting in and out. Our server was oblivious to both the noise level and the fact that the equipment was malfunctioning. Since the restaurant was empty, and there was no staff to keep an eye on me, I climbed on a chair and shut that noise down.

Our burgers were ready in about 15 minutes

The Burger Breakdown...

The Beef: Ooof. The ten dollar cheeseburgers at Patrick's Roadhouse were mediocre at best. The patties weighed in at about 1/3 of a pound. The beef was bland Chuck. Yes, it was fresh, never frozen, 100% angus beef, but it was ten buck Chuck. The patties were moderately beefy. There was a very faint hint of aging. And............no, that was it...nothing going on with the beef of any interest. The fat content was about 20%. The beef was not dry or chewy. It just simply completely forgettable.

The Seasoning: There was a weak hint of salt on the exterior of the burger patties at Patrick's Roadhouse.

The Sear: Yawn....there was a faint and sort of spotty, grayish sear on the small, flat Chuck discs.

The Preparation: The burgers at Patrick's Roadhouse were cooked to Medium. The grind was also medium. This barely brought out the beefiness from the bland Chuck. The uniform burger patties were formed daily during shift prep.

The Cheese: We had the choice of American, Swiss, Cheddar, and Mozzarella. We went with American on our burgers. Even the creamy, umami-rich, savory American cheese was not enough to make these burgers interesting.

The Bun: The large buns were of the seeded, meagerly toasted, standard burger bun ilk. The buns were faintly yeasty and moderately sweet. The buns were relatively fresh--mostly the buns were too darn big for the wee burger patties.

The Meat To Bun Ratio: WAY TOO MUCH BUN.

The Toppings: For some odd reason Patrick's Roadhouse served both sweet dill pickle chips and sweet relish with their burgers. The Iceberg lettuce was fresh, and the tomato slices were fine. For an extra buck, we tried a cheeseburger with Dijon mustard and Plum Jam. It was fine...this combination tasted like a richer version of ketchup.

The Fries: The peel-on, potato fries were cut in-house. Sadly, these fries were on the lank side. The were undercooked. The Sweet Potato fries were delivered on a truck, and they were of the crinkle-cut variety. These fries arrives slightly burned. The Truffle Fries came with a wad of grated cheese. The Truffle Fries were lank and somewhat greasier than their non-truffled counterparts. $2.50 for regular fries. $3.00 for Sweet Potato. $5.00 for Truffle Fries with Parmesan. The up charge for these low-quality fries on top of the over-priced burgers was just another fiscal eff you courtesy of the diner-free Patrick's Roadhouse.

The Value: A mockery, an insult, a violation--just plain bad. The cheeseburgers at Patrick's Roadhouse were $9.95, and the Dijon Plum Burger was $10.95. Fries were extra. Even with the 10 for 20 Groupon, we were still out $22.20 (plus 10...plus tip....plus parking) on this over-priced shizz show. If we had paid the full boat of 47.70 bucks for that festival of blandness, my head would have exploded from indignation.

The Dijon Plum Burger

We quickly solved the mystery of the empty restaurant. Patrick's Roadhouse was haunted with price gouging mediocrity in a neighborhood blessed with amazing views and FAR BETTER food. Oh...Arnold Schwarzenegger has a table there with a giant metal chair.

Burger Review : This was expensive weakness on an over-sized bun. Patrick's Roadhouse had done an effective job of customer-proofing itself.

Rating...2 Bites (an average burger but a shamefully poor value)




28AUG12...Wayne, the manager of Patrick's Roadhouse engaged me on Yelp to argue about the experience that we had. That exchange is posted below, in its entirety, for your enjoyment:

Anthony H.
Manager

Anthony H.'s comment on your review:
Hi Pete, We do buy the BEST of every ingredient without exception! We are also full waiter service restuarant at the beach with ocean views.That comes with high overhead. The restaurant is packed at breakfast and lunch daily! Only opened in the evening (when you were there) very recently which explains the lack of patrons. We appreciate your patronage... 

...............................................................................................................................................................

Me:

Defending doesn't help your cause....offering a remedy in a public forum is far better. Not responding is a solid move, too.

You simply failed to address the fact that the food was bland.

 ...............................................................................................................................................................

Anthony H.
Manager

We have been serving fantastic burgers for 39 years. That speaks for itself. We thank you for your patronage.

 ...............................................................................................................................................................

Me:

I do find it baffling that you are arguing with an unhappy customer...this would be an opportunity to make it right with a customer that is talking with you.   You can read your full review at http://www.TheBurgerRevi…

Thanks,

P

...............................................................................................................................................................

Anthony H.
Manager

Now I understand. Your promoting your own blog site. Best of luck!

 ...............................................................................................................................................................

Me:

With that spicy attitude toward your customers, I think it is Patrick's Roadhouse that is need of some luck.

Again, I do find it baffling that you chose to argue with an unhappy customer rather than seek a way to make things right.

You are certainly doing your part to keep that dining room empty. If that is your goal, then I commend you on your fine and directed efforts.

P

............................................................................................................................................................... 

Top of the Notch Restaurant--Mt. Baldy, CA

Mt. Baldy, CA 91759
909-981-8238
website

The Burger Busters will go to amazing lengths to seek out and review burgers so that you don't have to. In this installment we went to the top of a mountain to sample a burger in a restaurant only accessible by a pleasant chairlift ride. I guess we could have hiked for several hours, but I was in no mood to carry a whining Happy Meal up and down a mountain.It was the last weekend of Happy Meal's Summer Vacation, and I wanted to end his Summer on a memorable note.We made the hour-long drive from LA to Mt. Baldy.  This took us through Claremont, CA. Claremont is home of the Back Abbey--I hear that burger is great. Happy Meal and I ignored that siren's call and drove 10 or so more miles into the mountains to the chairlifts at Mt. Baldy. From there we rode among the treetops to the lodge near the top of the mountain.

At the end of the ride, we walked over to the Top of the Notch Restaurant, AKA Mount Baldy Bar and Yacht Club. Happy Meal was immediately impressed by the free foosball. We ordered a couple of The Notch Burgers with fries at $10.25 apiece. Our burgers arrived in about 20 minutes.

The Burger Breakdown...

The Beef: The beef at Top of the Notch Restaurant was grim at best. This burger had clearly started its day as a frozen, and pre-formed Chuck patty. The burger patty was 1/3 of a pound. The beef was chewy, dry, rubbery, and bland. The grind was quite fine, and this further lent to the dryness and chewiness. The beef was around 20% in terms of fat, but this did not help the leathery mouth feel. This was pretty much a school lunch/airplane quality cheeseburger. This was not entirely surprising,

The Seasoning: There was none.

The Sear: The sear was pretty thorough. In fact, the dry discs that served as the foundation of our cheeseburgers were nearly vulcanized. That sear did not positively contribute to the burger in terms of texture or flavor, however.

The Preparation: The beef discs appeared to have been run through a charbroiling conveyor. The burgers had an even sear and grill marks.

The Cheese: The cheeseburgers at Top of the Notch Restaurant came with a choice of Cheddar, Pepper Jack, or Swiss. We opted for Cheddar on our burgers. The Cheddar was bland and completely lost in the bite. The too large bun and the dry beef rendered the cheese invisible to the palate.

The Bun: The bun was a ciabatta roll. The bun was reasonably fresh. It was relatively bland, and it was not toasted sufficiently to give it any crunch.

The Meat To Bun Ratio: The ciabatta roll dwarfed the 1/3-pound patty.

The Fries: The fries at Top of the Notch Restaurant were fine. These were of the peel-off, par-cooked, and previously frozen variety. The thin fries were properly cooked to a nice crispness. They were finished with an appropriate dusting of granulated salt. The fries were a winner.

The Toppings: Ugh...the tomato slices were hard and greenish. The Romaine lettuce leaves were flaccid.

The Value: We had a Groupon. We spent $29 for two lift tickets and a $20 food voucher. We paid an additional $6 for the tip and drinks. That got us to $35 for a terrific experience but some really weak chow.  Even with the discount, the value was mediocre. I certainly would never advocate that anyone venture to Top of the Notch Restaurant at Mt. Baldy, CA for the cheeseburgers.

Happy Meal was duly impressed by the new experience. I was delighted to have shared it with him. Happy Meal handled his first chairlift ride like a champ. He also took down that burger like a pro.

Burger Review : Terrific scenery and a fun ride. Sadly, what awaits one at the end of this particular rainbow is a dismally bland and over-priced cheeseburger. Pass.

Rating...2 Bites

Editor's Note: Happy Meal and I returned, because he really liked riding the chair lift. On this visit, the burger was much improved. It was juicy and beefy. The bun was sweet and moist. The burger on this visit was just fine.

The Misfit Restaurant + Bar -- Santa Monica, CA

225 Santa Monica Blvd.
Santa Monica, CA 90401
310-656-9800
website

Anisette Brasserie was blessedly a thing of the past. It was now only a wincing memory of scorched beef and bun. The Misfit had taken over the long-vacant space. The Misfit was an LGO (Le Grande Orange) project. LGO was sort of hit and miss in terms of burgers...BUT....The Misfit had recently earned the distinction of serving the best burger in Santa Monica by the readers of the Santa Monica Patch. It got 61% of the votes, while Father's Office received 17%--17% too many.

I had to find out for myself. I found parking in one of the numerous public parking structures that abound near the Santa Monica Promenade. The Misfit was bustling, but my party was seated promptly in the upstairs area. This was close to the open kitchen with a nice view of the bar.  Do not sit upstairs at The Misfit if you like your clothing. Periodically, the pungent smell of burnt food would waft through the area. The smell that best described it was  "old athletic shoe burning in an oven." This sorely detracted from the dining experience.

We ordered up a couple of The Misfit Burgers ($13 each...no fries) and settled in for a 15-minute wait.

The Burger Breakdown...

The Beef: The Misfit touted that it used only 100% grass-fed, organic, open space beef that was "really good for you." Like most things that are "really good for you," the beef in The Misfit Burger did not taste very good. The burger meat was only moderately beefy and it was scorched. This caused a bitter note of carbon to prevail. I lost interest in tracking down the source of the beef after I took my first bite. The coarsely ground beef was on the chewy side. The over-cooked burger was somewhat dried out, and it was certainly dwarfed by the bun. The beef was most likely Chuck, and the fat content was probably in the 20% range. There was a faint hint of wet-aging. The beef was not at all juicy. I was not sure where my 13 bucks went, but I was certain that it did not go to the beef in The Misfit Burger.

The Seasoning: The Misfit kitchen applied a weak dash of salt and no pepper to the exterior of the irregular, hand-formed, 1/3 pound burger patty. The seasoning was woefully lacking.

The Sear: The sear on my burger was the sort of sear that occurs when a burger is forgotten on the hot part of the grill. The sear was infused with bitter carbon. Because the burger was over-cooked, the sear failed to add an element of crispness. It simply contributed to the overall leatheriness of the texture.

The Preparation: The hand-formed, small, over-priced burgers were likely pattied up during the prep cycle at The Misfit. The burgers were turned once (this is proper) on a blazingly hot gas-fired grill. I ordered my burger Medium, and it came out a very dry Med-Well. Med-Well is not the end of the world when the beef is good. A quality patty of juicy burger meat can stand up to a high cooking temp and still deliver the goods. This was not the case here.

The Cheese: The thick slice of Tillamook Cheddar was non-assertive in the way this Cheddar almost always comes across. The Cheddar was moderately salty, and this was a blessing in that it compensated, partially, for the under-seasoned beef.

The Bun: Woof! My bun was both oily and leathery. Had I wanted a chew toy, I would have gone to PetCo and saved a couple of bucks. My bun was clearly stale. It was moderately sweet. It was also heavily buttered and weakly toasted--cool to the touch.I immediately set it aside.

The Meat To Bun Ratio: The big, stale, leathery bun dominated the small, over-cooked chuck puck.

The Toppings: The tomato slice was ripe and juicy. The rocket (arugula) was crisp and fresh. The fried egg was perfectly prepared. The stone ground mustard was terrific.

Wait--there was more....at the end of the meal, the wait staff brought around a tray of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. This seemed like a nice touch until I bit into mine. It was so incredibly salty that it took a tremendous force of will not to spit this into my napkin. It mentioned this to the staff, and they indicated that the cookies were "dusted" with sea salt. It seemed that I got all of that batches salt on my cookie. It almost seemed fitting considering the quality of the rest of the meal.

In fairness, my dining partner's burger was nowhere near as bad as my burger. That was like a different burger--a better but not great burger. That said, this review is of the burger that I was served. What I had was over-cooked, under-seasoned, and over-priced. I was stunned that The Misfit had earned an award for what I had just eaten.

Burger Review : The burger at The Misfit was a solid misfire. The Misfit faithfully maintained the unpleasant burger legacy of its predecessor Anisette Brasserie.

Rating...2 Bites 

The Yard -- Santa Monica, CA

119 Broadway
Santa Monica, CA 90401
310-395-6037

A few years ago, Fat Bruce Lee went to The Yard in Santa Monica, and he declared it to be an excellent burger.. This was back when Chris Jacobsen of  Top Chef fame was running things. The Yard's website was next to useless. It was less than reassuring to note that the site promised that a new site was coming soon...in November of 2011. I do not think that "soon" meant what they thought it meant.

Fast forward to to 2012, and I had a Groupon for The Yard. I bribed a guard and smuggled The Marinater out of the supermax prison where he was serving 12 consecutive life sentences for running moonshine in Utah and making illegal modifications to Frisbees. The great state of Utah and Wham-O, Inc. take that stuff more seriously than you might have imagined. The freshly tatted-up Marinater and I easily found $5 parking in one of the nearby public garages.We were seated promptly, and we ordered our $16 burgers. After a 25-minute wait, our cheeseburgers arrived.

The Burger Breakdown...

The Beef: The beef in the cheeseburgers at The Yard was a combination of house-ground Wagyu...Brisket and Eye Round (both wet-aged). Eye Round was an interesting choice for burger meat. Eye Round is a very lean and quite tough cut of beef. It is often used in cube steak. Eye Round is a cut, which requires braising or other tenderization techniques to make it less chewy. The combination of ground Eye Round and Brisket fell flat at The Yard. The texture was slick on the palate. The burgers were undercooked . to a barely warm Rare. However, cooking that Eye Round past that would have turned the bite into a mouthful of rubber bands. The fat from the Brisket simply coated the chewy bits of nearly raw Eye Round. This created a mouth feel akin to biting into oily, warm, firm, chopped, Jello that was seasoned with mild beef broth. Putting aside the alien texture, the flavor was mildly beefy, and there were so pleasant notes of iron and steak. There was also a faint note of funk  The fat content seemed higher than it probably was, because the fat was not absorbed by the lean, dense Eye Round. The bite was oily. The choice of beef for this burger was interesting...in a bad way.

The Seasoning: There was a faint dusting of salt on the exterior of the burger patty.

The Sear: The sear looked quite nice, but it was no match for the bait shop that comprised the interior of the burger.

The Preparation: Meh. The beef came from Vernon Meats. This was according to our server, but I couldn't locate any such business during a cursory web search. Not that this mattered. This was not the sort of dish that I had any interest in seeking out twice. The burger patties at The Yard were about 6 ounces. I assumed that they were formed during the prep cycle. The pressure with which they were formed?  The Yard could have used an industrial hydraulic press, and it wouldn't have mattered. The burgers would have come out the same as if they were gently formed by blind monks in a cave behind a waterfall.

The Cheese: The Yard employed a stout Gruyere. The Gruyere added tartness, umami, salt, and some nuttiness to the dish. Sadly, Gruyere is not the best of melting cheeses, to this only added to the rubberiness of the bite.

The Bun: The burger bun at The Yard came to us courtesy of Bread Bar. Bread Bar has always provided a fantastic product, and this was no exception. The Brioche was mildly sweet and perfectly tender and fresh. The bun was moderately toasted, but the beef was so wet and slick that the texture of the bun was lost in the bite.

The Meat To Bun Ratio: Perfect.

The Toppings: The burger was much improved when fully dressed with the accompanying arugula, crisp pancetta, and oven-roasted tomatoes. All of these elements lent firmness to the otherwise flaccid bite. The peppery, crisp pancetta was the star.

The Fries: The peel-on, hand-cut, shoestring fries at The Yard were perfectly crisped in fresh canola oil. Further, the fries were perfectly seasoned. The fries were the clear winner on the plate.

The Value: NO! 16 bucks for 6 ounces of chewiness was about 10 bucks too much. Without the Groupon, we would have paid $42 for 2 cheeseburgers and 2 soft drinks....OUCH.

Fat Bruce Lee may or may not have been high when he first tried the burger at The Yard and pronounced it to be good. When The Marinater and I sampled the cheeseburger in 2012, it was an over-priced and ill-considered dish. Within 10 minutes of completing our meals, we both had stomach aches from these gut bombs.

Burger Review : Leave this one to the tourists. This spendy burger will not have you running to The Yard.


Rating...2 Bites




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Planet Dailies -- Los Angeles, CA

6333 West 3rd Street #020
Los Angeles, CA 90036
323-370-6560
website

Facebook friend of The Burger Busters, former Miss Utah, and Master Popcorn Stringer, Joseph Bacon requested that I check out Planet Dailies at the LA Farmer's Market. I was not about to say no to Mr. Bacon, because A. he can bench a Volkswagen Tuareg and B. his name is Bacon, fer gawd's sake. I dutifully made my was to Planet Dailies on a Sunday afternoon in hopes of avoiding a heavy crowd at the recently-opened establishment. I have to admit, as I walked past the stalls selling fresh produce at the Farmer's Market, my hopes for a solid burger were buoyed. I imagined that it would be hard to mess up a simple burger when surrounded, actually surrounded by fresh, quality produce.

I found quick seating in the bar area, and that was the last quick thing that happened at Planet Dailies. After a 10-minute wait, a staffer approached me and took my beverage order. Shortly after that, I was handed a flat soda. We managed to sort that out, and I ordered The Dailies Burger ($13.99). About 20 minutes, my cheeseburger arrived.

The Burger Breakdown...

The Beef: The beef in the burger at Planet Dailies was certified Angus Chuck, which was peppered with connective tissue. It arrived pre-ground , and I assumed that it had not been frozen...it was not rubbery. The 7-ounce Chuck patty was moderately beefy, and it had a nice funk from wet-aging. Since it was all Chuck, there were no mineral or steak notes to round out the flavor profile. The bite was loose and very juicy. The staff informed me that the fat content was 20%. I did not inquire as to the source of the beef, because the beef was merely average, and I had no interest in seeking it out again.

The Seasoning: I tasted only a faint amount of salt on the exterior of the burger patty. This burger would have benefited greatly from a generous hit of salt and pepper.

The Sear: Yawn! The sear on the cheeseburger at Planet Dailies was exceedingly weak. The burger was turned three times, and that was twice too many. This frequent fiddling with the burger did not allow the surface to reach a temperature where a sear could occur. That was unfortunate, because a decent sear would have done wonders for this burger.

The Preparation: The burger patties were formed during the prep cycle. The looseness of the bite indicated that a light hand was employed when forming the Chuck pucks.

The Cheese: The Cheddar on my cheeseburger was nominally melted, and it was sweating a fair amount of oil. This suggested and goodly portion of my 20-minute wait was squandered as my burger sat under a heat lamp. The lank Bibb lettuce served to further confirm this guess. The Cheddar was moderately sharp, and it lent some much-needed salt to the dish.

The Bun: Planet Dailies served The Daily Burger on a potato bun. The bun was perfectly toasted. The bun was also punishingly bland. It was the starchy equivalent of water. The bun was completely neutral and dry.

The Meat To Bun Ratio: WAY too much bun. For fear of desiccation, I ate the second half of the burger with no bun. This also allowed me to avoid having Bedouins set up camp in my mouth. I hate the way camels taste.

The Fries: Planet Dailies was located in the LA Farmers Market, but the fries arrived frozen, peeled, and pre-cut. The lightly-battered fries were pretty darned good. The fries were crisp, perfectly salted, and tender. The fries were far better than the burger.

The Toppings: Again, Planet Dailies was in the LA Farmers Market, but the vegetation was weak. The tomato slice was flavorless. The Bibb lettuce was partially wilted, and it had dirt on it. Clearly, I did not taste the lettuce.

The Value: The Daily Burger (with fries), and a soft drink came out to about $19 bucks before the tip. Planet Dailies banged me for a twenty spot for some really average eats. The value was poor.

Planet Dailies had a decidedly off day, but even had they been completely on their game, it did not appear that the cheeseburger would have been worth the visit. The Golden State was just down the street, and they have never failed to be excellent.

Burger Review : Joseph Bacon, you can safely pass on Planet Dailies.

Rating...2 Bites (2.5 with a deduction for service, value, and dirty lettuce)

City Tavern -- Culver City, CA

9739 Culver Blvd
Culver City, CA 90232
310-838-9739
website 

The City Tavern Brew Burger

City Tavern, a gastropub in Culver City, CA, had been getting positive attention on both UrbanSpoon and Yelp. It was time to confirm or deny the quality of the burgers at this spot. So far, our visits to Culver City had resulted in a series of burger-related disappointments. The Marinater and I hoped that City Tavern would reverse the trend or, at least, provide an outlier.  Public parking was free in the nearby structure. We were seating immediately by the friendly and enthusiastic staff. The establishment offered a full bar. City Tavern also had beer taps at the tables. We ordered a CT Burger and a Brew Burger at $10 and $11, respectively. 

We passed on the fries, since the fries arrived frozen in bags on the Cisco Foods truck, and City Tavern still felt it was appropriate to charge $5 for fries. I did not feel it was appropriate to pay $5 for fries of that quality. The cheeseburgers arrived in about 10 minutes.

The Burger Breakdown...

The Beef: City Tavern used Creekstone Farms, grass-fed, 100% Angus Chuck for the 8-ounce burger patties. The beef arrived pre-ground from Rocker Brothers Meats. The beef was bland to the point of tasting watery. The sole flavor that the Chuck yielded was a mild note of beefiness. The beef had a fat content of 20%, but in the case of the Brew Burger, there was under-cooked chorizo in the blend. The chorizo contained unpleasant chunks of raw pork fat. While we ordered the burgers cooked to Medium, they arrived dead Rare. The Rare Chuck was insipid, because almost none of the collagen melted. The texture of the beef was slick and raw. The beef was completely without character.

The City Tavern CT Burger

The Seasoning: The exterior of the burger patties at City Tavern were dusted with only a very faint hint of salt. The seasoning was completely inadequate to compensate for the painfully bland beef.

The Sear: The sear on the hand-formed, under-cooked patties was unremarkable, and it offered little in terms of improvement in either flavor or texture.


The Preparation: The 8-ounce patties were hand-formed during morning prep. The burgers at City Tavern were under-cooked to a limp and watery Rare on a gas-fired grill. The burger patties were turned three times, and this was two times too many.


The Cheese: The cheese on the CT Burger was bland, Tillamook Cheddar. It brought nothing to the party but fat. The cheese on the Brew Burger was the same bland Tillamook Cheddar, but this was Pub Cheese. This meant that City Tavern added IPA to the cheese. This resulted in a very bitter cheese, which lent an unpleasant undertone to every bite. At first I thought that the burger was charred, but the sear was too weak. It took a few moments to determine that the culprit was the bitter Pub Cheese.


The Bun: The CT Burger arrived on a neutral, fresh, moist, seeded, burger bun. The Brew Burger was served on a mildly salty, pretzel bun. Both buns were sourced from Rockenwagner Bakery. Both buns were adequate, but not especially interesting. Both buns were grilled rather than properly toasted on a flat-top. 


The Meat To Bun Ratio: This was fine with both the CT Burger and the Brew Burger.


The Toppings: The shredded Iceberg lettuce and tomato slice that accompanied the CT Burger at City Tavern were fresh and fine. The watercress and onion ring, which were served with the Brew Burger were odd and awful, respectively. The watercress tasted very green, and this did not work with the chorizo-laden, bitter cheese-covered burger. The onion ring was a greasy, bland offense to the palate. It was bland, dense, hard, and incredibly oily. The Brew Burger was also served with an aoli, and I was grateful that I had this on the side. The aoli was, presumably a play on mustard, but it lacked acid and/or bite--it was yellow mayonnaise. 


The Value: Two burgers, and...that was it...just two burgers (no beverages or fries) with tax and tip came to just under $27 at City Tavern. The value was great for City Tavern. The value was exceptionally poor for the diner.


City Tavern took quality ingredients and put them to waste via a combination of undercooking, mismatching flavors, and underseasoning. The prices were too high when compared to the flavors and quality of preparation.


Burger Review : City Tavern is probably best visited for its fine selection of beers and cocktails. At the time of this review, the burgers could be safely avoided.


Rating...2 Bites (2 Bites for the bitter, fatty Brew Burger...2.5 Bites for the CT Burger)