Peas and Carrots--Santa Monica, CA

1260 15th St 
#105 
Santa Monica, CA 90404
310-458-3300 
website

At the urging of the PLV (Pretty Lady Veterinarian) and Happy Meal, Peas and Carrots was the first official burger destination for 2014. I managed to get myself done to a wispy 5% body fat as a gift to myself, and it was time to undue some of that good work. Note that the PLV is the woman from the bar scene at Father's Office several years ago...small world, right? Our first date.....a burger. Truth is stranger than fiction. 
 
We arrived during an evening when there was a fair amount of street construction, so we pretty much has the place and the proprietor to ourselves. Parking was easy to find in the neighborhood. The burger menu was extensive in terms of the creatures that were available to dine on. Kangaroo, Wild Boar, Red Deer, Angus Beef, Elk, Lamb, Camel, Buffalo, and Ostrich were all on the menu for burger and sliders. The sausage menu was equally interesting. We ordered a gang of burger and exotic sliders and settled in for a 10-minute wait. 

The Burger Breakdown...

The Beef: The beef in the standard cheeseburger at Peas & Carrots was 80:20 Angus Chuck. The grind was medium. The medium-thick patty was juicy, tender, and quite beefy. By "tender," I meant "melt in your mouth" tender. The flavor was simple--beef and seasonings--there was no complexity from the simple Chuck, but the flavor and quality of the beef were well above average. The Camel was about what one would expect...it was mildly gamey and quite lean. The Kangaroo was really lean and tasted like a mixture of beef and shrimp. The Wild Boar was from a ranch in Texas. The piggies had consumed a wild diet of acorns and truffles, and the acorns were evident in the rich and complex flavors of the Wild Boar Slider.

The Seasoning: The kitchen applied just enough salt and pepper to bring out the best from the humble Chuck.

The Sear: Peas & Carrots applied a competent sear to my burger patty. The sear was by no means epic, but it did the job and provided a little crunch to the bite.

The Preparation: The kitchen delivered a bunch of dishes all at once. Sliders, cheeseburgers, salads, fried zucchini, french fries, and a massive chicken sandwich. All of the the dishes were perfectly prepared to temperature and all were juicy, flavorful, and nicely presented. The burgers were all seared on a gas-fired, narrow-grated griddle. We ordered the standard burgers Med-Well, and the exotics Med-Rare, and the kitchen delivered accordingly.

The Cheese: The cheese choices at Peas & Carrots were not quite as wide as the meat choices, but Mozzarella, Cheddar, Pepper Jack, and Bleu were available. We went with Cheddar on our burgers. The cheese was nicely melted and contributed to the juicy, tender, and creamy mouth feel of the bite. The Cheddar also added just a hint of acid and a bit of savoriness. 

The Bun: The bun for the 1/2 pound burger was a seeded, well-toasted, moist, fresh, yeasty, and slightly sweet standard burger bun. The bun was toasted well enough that it lent crispness throughout the meal. The buns for the 2-ounce sliders were sweeter, like Hawaiian rolls. These were also moist and fresh and perfectly toasted.

The Meat To Bun Ratio: Peas & Carrots nailed this for both the standard burgers and the exotic sliders.

The Fries: The fries were perfectly crisped and well-seasoned shoestring fries. I assumed that the fries arrived frozen and par-cooked, but they were just fine. The fried zucchini sticks were a challenge not to polish off. I failed that challenge--they were too delicious, and I was weak. The accompanying sauces of Ranch, Chipotle Mayo, Garlic Aoli, and Horseradish were all superb.

The Toppings: The Romaine lettuce was fresh, crisp, and sweet. The tomato slices were thick, juicy, ripe,  and hearty.

The Value: The bang for the buck at Peas & Carrots was just right. Three of us left stuffed on enough food for 5 people for around 50 bucks. We ordered a lot of food. The exotic sliders were too enticing to pass up.

Peas & Carrots boasted a menu that was quite broad in terms of choices of exotic proteins. The owner assured us that this was to expand further once the relatively new establishment built up more steam. The quality of the food and preparation were also solid, and the owner's extensive studio catering experience was evident. The burgers and sides were generous and flavorful. Other dishes that we observed leaving the kitchen were equally generous.

Burger Review : Peas & Carrots in Santa Monica delivered high-quality burgers for a fair price. Beyond that, they offered a wide variety of meats that we had not seen elsewhere. Go for the cheeseburger and stay for the exotic sliders.

Rating....4 Bites

Bravissimo Cafe and Pizzeria--Santa Monica, CA

2400-D Main Street
Santa Monica, CA 90405
310-392-7466
Website address withheld so that this awful place does not benefit from any traffic from this site.

It really came out looking like this.

The Bravissimo Cafe and Pizzeria's website proclaimed, "The Ferrara tradition continues."  While this may be a fact, I must, in good conscience, state publicly and for the record that this was not a good thing.


It all started last week when I walked past the window of this joint and saw a sign advertising the following.

Now appearing: 

The world's greatest burger

Eat Love

"The Bravissimo Burger"

I was foolish not to assume that "Bravissimo" meant anything other than over-priced, incompetent, and bland--I was naive, and I wanted to believe....but I have skipped ahead a bit.

Happy Meal and I decided to minimize the risk at the outset of this ill-fated adventure. He ordered a slice of pizza, and I ordered the World's Greatest Burger. From there it all just went terribly, terribly wrong.

Issue 1--The counter staff was clueless as to what went into the burger, where the bun came from, etc. This was not her fault. The blame for this was all on the management for forcing an employee to be incompetent.

Issue 2--Happy Meal received and finished his slice before my burger ever left the griddle.

Issue 3--The burger that I ordered Med-Well arrived DEAD RAW after an 18-minute wait.

Issue 4--The second attempt was Medium. I just gave up and went with that version. 30 minutes was long enough to wait for what was clearly destined to be inadequate chow.

Issue 5--The fries from the first attempt were re-cooked and used for the second attempt, so they were bleak and dry.

The raw blend of mystery ingredients on the 1st try

Issue 6--The Romaine lettuce on the burger was limp and dead.

Issue 7--The top of the bun was scorched. 

Issue 8--The bacon on the burger was cool to the touch.

Issue 9--The burger patty was charred.

These things were all clear before I took a single bite from this burger.

The Burger Breakdown...

The Beef: The menu claimed that the Chuck was ground fresh daily--neat. The 8-ounce meatball was bland--as bland as water. The beef was oily to the point of giving Happy Meal and myself stomach aches from the 4 ounces that we each consumed. The only flavor evident was char, and bitter is not the sort of flavor that a burger should lead with, let alone be the only notable flavor.

The Seasoning: There was NONE. The kitchen at Bravissimo Cafe and Pizzeria failed to use any seasonings in the ground Chuck or on the surface of the comically bland patty to add any flavor. Now, the raw patty, that I sent back, was full of all manner of mystery items (see scary photo). The Medium patty, that I ate, contained none of those ingredients. I am uncertain if I dodged a bullet or missed out on something awesome due to the incompetence and the inconsistency of the kitchen staff.

The Sear: There was a charred patch at the bottom of my burger patty--does that count?

The Preparation: Haphazard, shoddy, careless, diffident, weak, poor--these are all words that come to mind. 

The Cheese: The cheeseburger at Bravissimo Cafe and Pizzeria came with a little bland Cheddar and a dash of Bleu cheese, but these cheeses were lost in the bland, greasy, charred sphere of weakness that compressed the bun like a sweaty, sumo wrestler on a down pillow.

The Bun: Aside from being charred on the outside, the bun was only nominally toasted on the inner surfaces. It seemed that 30 minutes was too short a time to properly toast a burger bun. The bun itself was soft and fresh. It was also very bland. 

The Meat To Bun Ratio: The bland, oily wad of burned Chuck overpowered, soaked through, and flattened the bland, scorched bun at Bravissimo Cafe and Pizzeria.

The Toppings: More of the same. The bacon was cool to the touch. The "caramelized"onions promised on the menu--not so much. The slivers of raw, red onion were scattered under the assembled burger--huh? The Romaine lettuce leaf was wilted and sad. 

The vastly different ingredients in the 2nd attempt at Med-Well

The Fries: The over-cooked, peel-off, steak fries were scorched, bitter, and dry. They were barely seasoned.

The Value: Bravissimo Cafe and Pizzeria appeared to be in the One And Done business of bilking tourists with $12 burgers. There was clearly no interest in repeat customers. Not once did the counter staff check in to see if the burger was satisfactory. I assumed this was because they were keenly aware that they were serving up crap, and they didn't need for me to confirm this.

Happy Meal put it best, "That's what you get for ordering a burger at a pizza place, Dad."

A more appetizing presentation of an unpleasant burger

Burger Review : Bravissimo Cafe and Pizzeria served up a shoddy, over-priced, bland cheeseburger. Terrible, just terrible. I walked in hungry. I walked out with a stomach ache. This adventure was a complete waste of time and 20 bucks.

Rating...2 Bites (rounded up from 1.5 Bites)

Pono Burger--Santa Monica, CA

829 Broadway Ave.
Santa Monica, CA 90401
310-584-7005
website

I was heading up Broadway after a particularly unpleasant workout on the Santa Monica stairs. There was some sort of organized running thing going on, which messed up my drive home, and it was because of that detour that I came to notice Pono Burger. I assembled Happy Meal and The Marinater. The Marinater was able to take some time off from juggling manhole covers on Venice Beach to join us.


From the Pono Burger site, "...Chef Makani's philosophy is simple: use organic and farm fresh ingredients for a handcrafted burger made with integrity that above all, tastes great..."  Pono means "doing things the right way." Pono Burger was the sister restaurant of Ultimate Burger in Kona, HI. Pono Burger's thing was to serve high-quality ingredients with a minimum of fussing. We noted that the new kitchen was an immaculate an gleaming study in stainless steel.

Now, if you visit the Pono Burger site, you will note that they tout free parking. We couldn't find it, but there was plenty of metered parking on the street.

We ordered the $7.00 Pono Burgers and added the paper-thin slice of Hook's Cheddar for an extra buck. We waited about 10 minutes for our burgers to arrive.

The Burger Breakdown...

The Beef: This was the star of the show. The beef arrived pre-ground and pre-pattied from Hamilton Meats, and it was derived from cattle from SunFed Ranch. The beef was organic, grass-fed, and grass-finished. The cuts were a bit of a mystery to the staff. We got "Chuck" and "Premium" in terms of description. The burgers tasted of premium cuts. The flavor was strongly beefy, with generous amounts of iron from the blood, a mild bit of funk from some aging, and some complexity that may have been due to some Sirloin or Short Rib. The fat content was close to 25%. The mouth feel was firm and satisfying.

The Seasoning: I watched the kitchen apply a copious amount of seasoning to the burger patties prior to placing them on the grill, but the savory notes were all but lost by the time the burgers arrived.

The Sear: Meh. What sear?  The wood-fired grill was way too cool to even get grill marks onto the 1/3 pound patties. A hearty sear would have really hit the spot with this burger.

The Preparation: There wasn't much for the kitchen to do but fire burger patties and assemble cheeseburgers at Pono Burger. The patties arrived pre-made. The kitchen nailed my request for Med-Rare. What was confusing was the oddball claim that the burgers were both dry rubbed and basted. This made no sense, and it did not happen. The raw burger  patties were liberally sprinkled with seasoning (dry rub), but they were not basted on the oak-fired grill

The Cheese: The Hook's One Year Aged Cheddar was great when sampled alone, but the slice was so thin that it was lost in the overly sweet bun. Without the bun, the cheese was still barely noticeable. This burger warranted a thicker slice of cheese.

The Bun: The brioche at Pono Burger was a bespoke recipe, which was baked and delivered by Ragusa's Bakery (I couldn't find such an establishment, so perhaps I misunderstood.). The bun was cross between a brioche and a King's Hawaiian Roll. The bun by itself was fine. It was a little flaky, strongly sweet, pleasantly moist. However, it was the exact opposite of the burger and cheese. The bun was kryponite to the burger. The flavors of the bun utterly cancelled out the beef. It was nearly unsettling. I removed the top bun to diminish its beef-neutralizing effects. Again, the bun, on it's own, was fine, but it was poor match for the flavors of the burger and cheese. Beyond that, the bun was only slightly toasted--it provided no crunch.

The Meat To Bun Ratio: Notwithstanding the foregoing, this was spot on.

The Toppings: The Romaine lettuce and the tomato slice were clean, fresh, and ripe.

The Fries: The fries were peel-on, cut in-house, par-cooked, and fried in rice bran oil. They were seasoned with herbs--mostly thyme. The fries were properly crisped. The skimpy portion of fries went for 3 bucks. Spuds were cheap..there was no point in holding back on the fries.

The Value: 8 bucks for a 1/3 pound cheeseburger was a little steep considering the stingy cheese, the lacking sear, and the flavor-zapping bun. The ingredients were great, but much tuning was required to deliver on the value.

Pono Burger was only a few weeks old when I stopped in. I hoped that it would hit its stride and reach the potential of the ingredients. At the time of my visit the whole was far less than the sum of its parts.

Burger Review : Great potential in terms on concept and ingredients. Hopefully the execution will catch up with the vision. Beyond that, it would be nice if the portioning caught up with the pricing.

Rating...3 Bites (rounded down from 3.5 for substandard value)

Bachi Burger -- Los Angeles, CA

I was driving down Sawtelle Boulevard the other day. I had to grab some Tekka Maki to pack in Happy Meal's lunch box. It was then that I discovered that Bachi Burger had begun expanding. It wasn't really news, but it was news to me.

Sadly, like Umami Burger, Bachi Burger waited until they had lost steam in terms of quality to begin expanding. Umami Burger was once the best burger in Los Angeles, but that faded within a year or so as their standards went out the window. Presently, Umami Burger has been pumping out pretty good, but over-priced, burgers from multiple locations for a few years. All the while, Umami Burger has been steadily expanding. Bachi Burger, the former darling cheeseburger of Las Vegas, has followed suit, and the LA location will be the third storefront. When I visited Bachi Burger, I was underwhelmed, and I have heard similar comments from my burger loving brothers and sisters.

Fortunately for burger lovers in Little Osaka, there is a really, really good burger spot a few blocks away....Plan Check,
Bear in mind that Bachi Burger held it together for a few years in Las Vegas before jumping the shark, so it is possible that they will turn out great food in LA during the honeymoon phase...hopefully beyond that.

On the plus side, The Cult's "She Sells Sanctuary" was playing on the radio in the car this morning, and that was pretty awesome. It's a lot butcher if you don't watch the video. Also, you should probably start watching Workaholics on Comedy Central. It's juvenile, and I love. it.

Pier Burger -- Santa Monica, CA

330 Santa Monica Pier
Santa Monica, CA 90401
310-587-2747
website

Having had great success with Big Dean's, The Marinater and I decided to try our luck with a burger on the Santa Monica Pier. It was my first time to the actual boardwalk. I immediately regretted my failure to spend time on the pier, previously. The sheer volume of bikini tops was staggering. I am moving to Santa Monica.

Pier Burger was a member of the King Seafood Company.  This group was best known, locally, for Ocean Avenue Seafood. This was their first foray into fresh food fast, and it was certainly a departure from their seafood roots. 

Parking was free at a nearby parking structure, but we could have paid to park in the adjacent lot. The ordering situation was pretty standard: order at the counter; pay; find seating; wait for your name to be called. We did all that. We spoke with a couple of friendly staffers...there were about 9 people working the bustling establishment. Pier Burger was moving some serious volume in terms of burgers. Our double cheeseburgers were ready in about 5 minutes.

The Burger Breakdown...

The Beef: Boom! The beef at Pier Burger was fresh, 100% Angus Chuck from West Coast Prime Meats. The bite led off with a strong and satisfying rush of beef flavor. The burger patties were 3.5 ounces each, so we were bumping up against the 1/2 pound mark for the double cheeseburgers. The burgers were juicy and surprisingly hot. The grind was coarse. This, when coupled with the creamy American cheese, created a most intriguing texture. The beef was not even remotely complex. It was just hot, juicy, and beefy. I did find the burger a little oilier than I preferred, but that was my sole qualm. The beef was a big winner.

The Seasoning: The exterior of the burger patties was hit with a dash of something savory. This perfectly enhanced the beefiness, and it wed marvelously to the crisp sear.

The Sear: YES! Who needed bacon when you have the sort of sear that Pier Burger applied to my burger patty? Trick question--one always needs bacon. Still, in the case of Pier Burger, the sear was the next best thing. The sear was dark, crisp, and nearly glassy. This was accomplished by cooking the burger patties on a perfectly seasoned, 425 degree, flat top, and leaving them alone. The oil from the burgers served to deliver the perfect sear for these small patties. I suppose a leaner burger would have become rubbery and dry in the face of that heat. Tradeoffs...I was OK with a little extra fat in exchange for a crisp sear.

The Preparation: The burger meat arrived pre-ground at Pier Burger. The patties were formed throughout the day, by hand. The irregular patties appeared to have been smashed onto the griddle while cooking. The burgers were cooked to a very juicy Well-Done. This served to maximize the beefiness by melting all of the collagen in the ground Chuck.

The Cheese: Two perfectly melted, creamy slices of American cheese smothered/permeated/perfused each bite of the coarsely ground beef. This was infinitely satisfying. The cheese lent texture, mineral notes, and umami to the beefy bite. The cheese completed the straight-forward beef with the necessary complications.

The Bun: Pier Burger used potato buns, which were supplied by Artisan Bakery. The buns were fresh, moist, springy, slightly sweet, and just right to capture all of the juices from the burger patties. The buns tasted heavily of butter, and I found this to be too rich considering the amount of fat from the beef. The buns were not thoroughly toasted, but the crunch from the monster sear made up for this.

The Meat To Bun Ratio: Considering the moistness of the tender potato buns, the ratio would have been spot on for the single burger. It was perfect for the double cheeseburger.

The Fries: The fries were a peel-on, par-cooked, previously-frozen, Sysco Foods product. The fries were great. Pier Burger cooked the fries in peanut oil. The fries were perfectly crisp and golden with just the right amount of granulated salt. The fries were creamy in the center. Win!

The Toppings: Pier Burger provided fresh Romaine lettuce and a nice, ripe slice of tomato to top the burgers. The restaurant also made a burger sauce from scratch. This could best be described as a flesh-colored, tartar sauce. I liked it on the fries.

The Value: The tab was just over 17 bucks for two double cheeseburgers and a 1/2 pound of fries. The burgers were $6.50 each. The value was just fine at Pier Burger considering the strong quality of the meal. Pier Burger's lineage was fish house and steak house...the ingredients reflected that.

I walked into Pier Burger with low expectations. I walked out of Pier Burger with plans to come back the following weekend with Happy Meal. Pier Burger could have served up a mediocre product to tourists and made a fine profit on one and done business. Instead, Like Big Dean's, they served a delicious burger that was made from great ingredients. I predict that Pier Burger will garner a strong local following.

Burger Review : A nearly perfect burger was enjoyed at Pier Burger. Go soon, Brochacho...you will not be disappointed.

Rating...5 Bites (rounded up from 4.5)

Thoma's -- Marina Del Rey, CA

249 Lincoln Blvd
Venice, CA 90291
310-399-1707 

 The Marinater and I had to do something to put the memory of the over-priced and bland Patrick's Roadhouse behind us. Since The Marinater was already forging checks and prescriptions at the nearby CVS Pharmacy, it was a breeze to make our way across the lot to the nearby hamburger stand. I just had to set a dumpster on fire to distract the security team that was closing in on our boy...no big deal.

Thoma's #16 Original World Famous Hamburgers was a classic LA burger stand but with added benefit of indoor seating and some really shopworn video gaming machines. We ordered a couple of combos...double cheeseburgers, fries, and drinks with a side of chili....all for about 16 bucks. Our meals were ready in about 5 minutes. During our wait we enjoyed the familiar sounds of Star Wars "blasters."

The Burger Breakdown...

The Beef: Thoma's created their cheeseburgers from razor-thin, 1/4 pound patties. The wispy burger patties bowed into lenses as they cooked. The beef was moderately beefy. The patties were standard, food-service, previously-frozen, 80/20 Chuck. The burgers were moderately beefy. The texture of the medium grind patties was a little chewy. The beef was not especially juicy, but it was also not greasy. The beef was average.

The Seasoning: There was none.

The Sear: Thoma's only seared one side of the thin, burger patties. The cheese side caught an adequate sear, but the cheese saturated the sear. That cancelled out the crispness.

The Preparation: The cheeseburgers were quickly cooked to Well-Done. The patties were cooked on a properly hot griddle. These were clearly, pre-formed. The burgers were both served upside down.

The Cheese: Two slices of American Cheese was better than one. The Double Cheeseburger at Thoma's came with two slices of cheese, and this was what tied the dish together. The cheese was nicely melted. This created an appropriately creamy texture. Since the patties were thin, the cheese really worked its way throughout the bite.

The Bun: This was a standard, moist, fresh, non-seeded, mildly toasted, slightly sweet, and slightly yeasty hamburger bun. The bun was fine.

The Meat To Bun Ratio: This was perfect in the case of the double cheeseburger. A single would have resulted in a bun-heavy dish.

The Toppings: The shredded Iceberg Lettuce was fresh and sweet. The tomato slices were perfectly ripe.

The Chili: There was something guiltily satisfying about the creamy chili at Thoma's. It was greasy, meaty, savory, rich, and altogether addictive. I applied it to the second half of my burger and my fries. The Marinater looked on in disgust.

The Fries: The fries were just fine. These were pre-cut, par-cooked, frozen, and bagged fries. The staff at Thoma's fried them up, competently, in hot oil. The fries were crisp and golden.

The Value: $6.99 for a double cheeseburger, fries, and a drink. The value was solid at Thoma's.

This was an average burger for a really good price. We had sampled far more expensive burgers that were far less delicious. The double cheeseburger at Thoma's was nothing to write home about, but it checked all of the boxes. The burger was satisfying but not exceptional.

Burger Review : An average burger, but a superlative value was had at Thoma's #16 Original World Famous Hamburgers. Still, this average burger was superior to the Patrick's Roadhouse burgers in terms of quality, preparation, and value.

Rating...3 Bites

Patrick's Roadhouse -- Santa Monica, CA

106 Entrada Drive
Santa Monica, CA 90402
310-459-4544
website

The Burger Busters and the Mystery of the Empty Restaurant.

Happy Meal and I had a hankering for some seared beef. This time we decided to sample the burgers at Patrick's Roadhouse in Santa Monica, CA. It was right on the Pacific Coast Highway on the way to Malibu. The Marinater had been suggesting that we try this place for a couple of weeks in a row, since it kept coming up on his Groupon radar. Happy Meal and I swung by the giant crater where The Marinater was doing a sledge hammer workout and beckoned him to join us with the promise of a hot meal. The Marinater obliged. We found parking behind the restaurant, and once we had parked, a valet attendant popped over to inform us that we had to pay for the "service" in spite of the fact that we had parked ourselves, and there was no signage--we looked. $5.50 down the crapper right there...annoying.


We walked into a dead empty restaurant and bar. We were the only patrons at 7:00 pm on a Friday night. It was no wonder that Patrick's Roadhouse was posting a Groupon. It was deeply irksome that we paid a valet to NOT park the car only to wind up in an empty restaurant where space was certainly not at a premium. We were seated immediately. We ordered up a trio of burgers including the Dijon Plum Burger, which was the favorite of our server.

The speaker over our table was blaring while cutting in and out. Our server was oblivious to both the noise level and the fact that the equipment was malfunctioning. Since the restaurant was empty, and there was no staff to keep an eye on me, I climbed on a chair and shut that noise down.

Our burgers were ready in about 15 minutes

The Burger Breakdown...

The Beef: Ooof. The ten dollar cheeseburgers at Patrick's Roadhouse were mediocre at best. The patties weighed in at about 1/3 of a pound. The beef was bland Chuck. Yes, it was fresh, never frozen, 100% angus beef, but it was ten buck Chuck. The patties were moderately beefy. There was a very faint hint of aging. And............no, that was it...nothing going on with the beef of any interest. The fat content was about 20%. The beef was not dry or chewy. It just simply completely forgettable.

The Seasoning: There was a weak hint of salt on the exterior of the burger patties at Patrick's Roadhouse.

The Sear: Yawn....there was a faint and sort of spotty, grayish sear on the small, flat Chuck discs.

The Preparation: The burgers at Patrick's Roadhouse were cooked to Medium. The grind was also medium. This barely brought out the beefiness from the bland Chuck. The uniform burger patties were formed daily during shift prep.

The Cheese: We had the choice of American, Swiss, Cheddar, and Mozzarella. We went with American on our burgers. Even the creamy, umami-rich, savory American cheese was not enough to make these burgers interesting.

The Bun: The large buns were of the seeded, meagerly toasted, standard burger bun ilk. The buns were faintly yeasty and moderately sweet. The buns were relatively fresh--mostly the buns were too darn big for the wee burger patties.

The Meat To Bun Ratio: WAY TOO MUCH BUN.

The Toppings: For some odd reason Patrick's Roadhouse served both sweet dill pickle chips and sweet relish with their burgers. The Iceberg lettuce was fresh, and the tomato slices were fine. For an extra buck, we tried a cheeseburger with Dijon mustard and Plum Jam. It was fine...this combination tasted like a richer version of ketchup.

The Fries: The peel-on, potato fries were cut in-house. Sadly, these fries were on the lank side. The were undercooked. The Sweet Potato fries were delivered on a truck, and they were of the crinkle-cut variety. These fries arrives slightly burned. The Truffle Fries came with a wad of grated cheese. The Truffle Fries were lank and somewhat greasier than their non-truffled counterparts. $2.50 for regular fries. $3.00 for Sweet Potato. $5.00 for Truffle Fries with Parmesan. The up charge for these low-quality fries on top of the over-priced burgers was just another fiscal eff you courtesy of the diner-free Patrick's Roadhouse.

The Value: A mockery, an insult, a violation--just plain bad. The cheeseburgers at Patrick's Roadhouse were $9.95, and the Dijon Plum Burger was $10.95. Fries were extra. Even with the 10 for 20 Groupon, we were still out $22.20 (plus 10...plus tip....plus parking) on this over-priced shizz show. If we had paid the full boat of 47.70 bucks for that festival of blandness, my head would have exploded from indignation.

The Dijon Plum Burger

We quickly solved the mystery of the empty restaurant. Patrick's Roadhouse was haunted with price gouging mediocrity in a neighborhood blessed with amazing views and FAR BETTER food. Oh...Arnold Schwarzenegger has a table there with a giant metal chair.

Burger Review : This was expensive weakness on an over-sized bun. Patrick's Roadhouse had done an effective job of customer-proofing itself.

Rating...2 Bites (an average burger but a shamefully poor value)




28AUG12...Wayne, the manager of Patrick's Roadhouse engaged me on Yelp to argue about the experience that we had. That exchange is posted below, in its entirety, for your enjoyment:

Anthony H.
Manager

Anthony H.'s comment on your review:
Hi Pete, We do buy the BEST of every ingredient without exception! We are also full waiter service restuarant at the beach with ocean views.That comes with high overhead. The restaurant is packed at breakfast and lunch daily! Only opened in the evening (when you were there) very recently which explains the lack of patrons. We appreciate your patronage... 

...............................................................................................................................................................

Me:

Defending doesn't help your cause....offering a remedy in a public forum is far better. Not responding is a solid move, too.

You simply failed to address the fact that the food was bland.

 ...............................................................................................................................................................

Anthony H.
Manager

We have been serving fantastic burgers for 39 years. That speaks for itself. We thank you for your patronage.

 ...............................................................................................................................................................

Me:

I do find it baffling that you are arguing with an unhappy customer...this would be an opportunity to make it right with a customer that is talking with you.   You can read your full review at http://www.TheBurgerRevi…

Thanks,

P

...............................................................................................................................................................

Anthony H.
Manager

Now I understand. Your promoting your own blog site. Best of luck!

 ...............................................................................................................................................................

Me:

With that spicy attitude toward your customers, I think it is Patrick's Roadhouse that is need of some luck.

Again, I do find it baffling that you chose to argue with an unhappy customer rather than seek a way to make things right.

You are certainly doing your part to keep that dining room empty. If that is your goal, then I commend you on your fine and directed efforts.

P

............................................................................................................................................................... 

Big Dean's Oceanfront Cafe--Santa Monica, CA

1615 Ocean Front Walk
Santa Monica, CA 90401
310-393-2666
website

I was bumming around Santa Monica with The Marinater when he suddenly, and without provocation, turned on me. Something to the effect of "If I don't eat soon, I will turn your brain pan into an ashtray" was muttered. I found this especially disconcerting, since the SOB didn't even smoke. Fortunately, another friend had mentioned that I hadn't lived until I had tried a burger from Big Dean's Oceanfront Cafe (Big Dean's). Big Dean's was located just in front of the Santa Monica Pier. It was the sort of place that you really had to seek out, because it was tucked away enough that I would have never stumbled upon it. Big Dean's had been in existence for 110 years.

The vibe and look of Big Dean's was beach bar, and rightly so. Parking was the usual Santa Monica hassle, but that was to be expected on a Friday evening. We found immediate seating in the back patio area where a crowd of locals had already established camp. We ordered a couple of Big Dean's Cheese Burgers. These were double meat and double cheese cheeseburger for $7.75. We could have opted for singles ($6.00), but the nascent threat of my skull being used as a tobacco accessory was still resonating with me. Our burgers were ready in about 10 minutes.

The Burger Breakdown...

The Beef: The twin 1/4 pound patties packed a wallop of beef flavors. It was like getting punched in the face with a beef boxing glove. While this was Chuck, it was high-quality Chuck. The fat content was only 12%. In spite of the leanness, the burgers were very juicy. There was a nice funk from some aging. This was Chuck, so it did lack the complex undertone of other cuts of beef. Still, the burgers at Big Dean's Oceanfront Cafe tasted EXACTLY the way that cheeseburgers should. The beef was a straight up winner.

The Seasoning: Yep--salt and pepper on the exterior of the thin patties. The salt and pepper perfectly complemented the strong beefy flavor.

The Sear: Considering the thinness of the burger patties, the sear was really good. It was not a deep, thick monster of a sear, but it was crisp, dark, and rich. The sear added a dimension of flavor from the Maillard Reaction to the burger. This was both expected and welcomed. As expected, the thin patties were cooked to Well-Done, but this was a juicy and properly seared Well-Done.

The Preparation: Everything about the preparation of the Big Dean's Cheese Burgers was as it should have been. The burger patties were formed, by hand, on a daily basis from pre-ground Chuck. As we savored our tasty burgers, a small group of locals told us that Big Dean's was their regular burger fix. For some, this was the first food that they sought out after an out-of-town trip.

The Cheese: American cheese and two slices of it...one atop each burger patty in the double cheeseburger. American cheese has always been my "go to" cheese. In this case, it was perfectly melted. It provided the usual, reliable hits of creamy, gooey, savory, and umami.

The Bun: The buns at Big Dean's were delivered three times each week by Gallaso's Bakery. These were fresh, moist, yeasty, seeded, slightly sweet, standard burger buns. The buns were nicely toasted, and this provided a bit of satisfying crunch around the edge of the burger.

The Meat To Bun Ratio: This was perfect. The bun contained the juices and molten cheese without upstaging the beef on the palate.

The Toppings: The Iceberg lettuce was fresh, sweet, and crisp. The tomato slices were ripe and hearty.

The Fries/Rings: The fries were just fine. Previously frozen, crinkle-cut, peel-off, and par-cooked. The fries and rings were properly crisped and browned in fresh, hot oil.

The Value: Heck yes! $7.75 for a really, really good double cheeseburger. Big Dean's served up a burger with much better than average value.

It was no wonder that Big Dean's Oceanfront Cafe had attracted and maintained such a loyal following of locals. The restaurant was located in an area that was infested with tourists. Big Dean's could have phoned in the food and still done a fine "one and done" business by over-charging tourists for sub-par chow. Instead, they served up quality burgers with pride. It was a pity that more establishments didn't follow this simple formula. From Eddy, our server, to TJ, the manager, Big Dean's staff was inviting, knowledgeable, and enthusiastic.

Burger Review : All burgers should be at least as good at the cheeseburgers at Big Dean's. Basic ingredients cooked with care and pride resulted in a darn fine burger.

Rating...5 Bites (4 bites with a 1/2 point bonus for great service--4.5 Bites)

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The Misfit Restaurant + Bar -- Santa Monica, CA

225 Santa Monica Blvd.
Santa Monica, CA 90401
310-656-9800
website

Anisette Brasserie was blessedly a thing of the past. It was now only a wincing memory of scorched beef and bun. The Misfit had taken over the long-vacant space. The Misfit was an LGO (Le Grande Orange) project. LGO was sort of hit and miss in terms of burgers...BUT....The Misfit had recently earned the distinction of serving the best burger in Santa Monica by the readers of the Santa Monica Patch. It got 61% of the votes, while Father's Office received 17%--17% too many.

I had to find out for myself. I found parking in one of the numerous public parking structures that abound near the Santa Monica Promenade. The Misfit was bustling, but my party was seated promptly in the upstairs area. This was close to the open kitchen with a nice view of the bar.  Do not sit upstairs at The Misfit if you like your clothing. Periodically, the pungent smell of burnt food would waft through the area. The smell that best described it was  "old athletic shoe burning in an oven." This sorely detracted from the dining experience.

We ordered up a couple of The Misfit Burgers ($13 each...no fries) and settled in for a 15-minute wait.

The Burger Breakdown...

The Beef: The Misfit touted that it used only 100% grass-fed, organic, open space beef that was "really good for you." Like most things that are "really good for you," the beef in The Misfit Burger did not taste very good. The burger meat was only moderately beefy and it was scorched. This caused a bitter note of carbon to prevail. I lost interest in tracking down the source of the beef after I took my first bite. The coarsely ground beef was on the chewy side. The over-cooked burger was somewhat dried out, and it was certainly dwarfed by the bun. The beef was most likely Chuck, and the fat content was probably in the 20% range. There was a faint hint of wet-aging. The beef was not at all juicy. I was not sure where my 13 bucks went, but I was certain that it did not go to the beef in The Misfit Burger.

The Seasoning: The Misfit kitchen applied a weak dash of salt and no pepper to the exterior of the irregular, hand-formed, 1/3 pound burger patty. The seasoning was woefully lacking.

The Sear: The sear on my burger was the sort of sear that occurs when a burger is forgotten on the hot part of the grill. The sear was infused with bitter carbon. Because the burger was over-cooked, the sear failed to add an element of crispness. It simply contributed to the overall leatheriness of the texture.

The Preparation: The hand-formed, small, over-priced burgers were likely pattied up during the prep cycle at The Misfit. The burgers were turned once (this is proper) on a blazingly hot gas-fired grill. I ordered my burger Medium, and it came out a very dry Med-Well. Med-Well is not the end of the world when the beef is good. A quality patty of juicy burger meat can stand up to a high cooking temp and still deliver the goods. This was not the case here.

The Cheese: The thick slice of Tillamook Cheddar was non-assertive in the way this Cheddar almost always comes across. The Cheddar was moderately salty, and this was a blessing in that it compensated, partially, for the under-seasoned beef.

The Bun: Woof! My bun was both oily and leathery. Had I wanted a chew toy, I would have gone to PetCo and saved a couple of bucks. My bun was clearly stale. It was moderately sweet. It was also heavily buttered and weakly toasted--cool to the touch.I immediately set it aside.

The Meat To Bun Ratio: The big, stale, leathery bun dominated the small, over-cooked chuck puck.

The Toppings: The tomato slice was ripe and juicy. The rocket (arugula) was crisp and fresh. The fried egg was perfectly prepared. The stone ground mustard was terrific.

Wait--there was more....at the end of the meal, the wait staff brought around a tray of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. This seemed like a nice touch until I bit into mine. It was so incredibly salty that it took a tremendous force of will not to spit this into my napkin. It mentioned this to the staff, and they indicated that the cookies were "dusted" with sea salt. It seemed that I got all of that batches salt on my cookie. It almost seemed fitting considering the quality of the rest of the meal.

In fairness, my dining partner's burger was nowhere near as bad as my burger. That was like a different burger--a better but not great burger. That said, this review is of the burger that I was served. What I had was over-cooked, under-seasoned, and over-priced. I was stunned that The Misfit had earned an award for what I had just eaten.

Burger Review : The burger at The Misfit was a solid misfire. The Misfit faithfully maintained the unpleasant burger legacy of its predecessor Anisette Brasserie.

Rating...2 Bites 

Bar Food -- West Los Angeles, CA

12217 Wilshire Boulevard
West Los Angeles, CA
310-820-3274
website

It was Friday night, and I was in search of a decent cheeseburger to fill the void created by another week of working for the man. Bar Food was nearby, and it was due for a visit. Bar Food's cheeseburger had received mixed reviews, but I needed to find out about this cheeseburger for myself. Parking was a breeze...metered on the street or free in the small lot in the alley behind the restaurant/gastropub. I was fortunate enough to have the chance to meet with Jason (Owner/Manager), and he was most helpful in giving me plenty of details about the restaurant and the menu. I ordered the Bar Burger and settled in for a 10-minute wait as the meal was prepared. More good luck--since I arrived during Happy Hour, the burger was $6.50 rather than the usual $9.

The Burger Breakdown...

The Beef: The burger meat at Bar Food was sourced from National Meats. This was 100% Angus Chuck. The beef was fresh/never frozen. Each cheeseburger was built using a 1/3 pound patty. The beef had a fat content of 20%, and this worked. There was no residual oiliness from the juicy bite. The burger was pleasantly beefy. It carried a mild funk from wet-aging. This funk was apparent to the nose but not the tongue. The beef also delivered some mild mineral flavors. While this was mere Chuck, I noticed that the mouth feel resembled Brisket. There was a pleasing long-grainedness, and some of the beef fibers persisted throughout the bite. This was a pleasant surprise, and it was characteristic of high-quality cuts of beef. Overall, I was surprised by the quality of the beef in my cheeseburger.

The Seasoning: Bar Food hit the exterior of their burgers with a generous amount of salt and pepper. Salt and pepper are generally all that a burger needs to make the beefiness pop. This treatment worked exceedingly well in this case.

The Sear: The sear on my Bar Burger came courtesy of a stainless steel pan and some olive oil. The sear was crisp, deep, and dark. This, coupled with the hearty salt and pepper, created a surface akin to bacon, and bacon is good.

The Preparation: The irregular, 1/3 pound burger patties at Bar Food were formed during the prep cycle. I requested Medium, and a competent Medium is what the kitchen delivered. The tender, loose bite suggested a gentle hand formed the burgers. This also suggested that the burgers were formed on the same day that they were cooked and served.

The Cheese: Bar Food used a shredded Cheddar blend, and this really worked. The cheese melted readily and evenly. The blend resulted in a less oily and chewy bite than pure Cheddar. The cheese provided tartness, creaminess, umami, and salt to the dish.

The Bun: Bar Food served the cheeseburger on nicely toasted, seeded, standard, burger bun from Old Mill Bakery. The flavor was buttery, mildly sweet, and a little yeasty. The texture was moist and tender. The bun was crisp all around the edge, and this provided a really satisfying crunch. This also provided just enough bitterness to round out the flavor profile of the burger.

The Meat To Bun Ratio: This was simply perfect.

The Fries: The fries at Bar Food were of the frozen, bagged, and delivered variety. I did not sample the fries.

The Toppings:  The arugula was nutty and fresh....not at all bitter. The bacon jam was a nice surprise. Bar Food crumbled crisp bacon and then cooked it down with Balsamic vinegar and caramelized onions to create a sweet, tart, salty, smokey spread for its burgers. The bacon jam was a winner.

The Value: At $6.50, the value was great. At the non-Happy Hour price of $9, the value would have been good. This was a really fine cheeseburger. Two burgers and a couple of beverages came out to about $23 at Bar Food.

The Bar Burger at Bar Food was a pleasant surprise. I came in with moderate expectations, and I left looking forward to returning to have the burger again.

Burger Review : Bar Food served up a well-priced, beautifully balanced, and high-quality cheeseburger.

Rating...4 Bites

The Yard -- Santa Monica, CA

119 Broadway
Santa Monica, CA 90401
310-395-6037

A few years ago, Fat Bruce Lee went to The Yard in Santa Monica, and he declared it to be an excellent burger.. This was back when Chris Jacobsen of  Top Chef fame was running things. The Yard's website was next to useless. It was less than reassuring to note that the site promised that a new site was coming soon...in November of 2011. I do not think that "soon" meant what they thought it meant.

Fast forward to to 2012, and I had a Groupon for The Yard. I bribed a guard and smuggled The Marinater out of the supermax prison where he was serving 12 consecutive life sentences for running moonshine in Utah and making illegal modifications to Frisbees. The great state of Utah and Wham-O, Inc. take that stuff more seriously than you might have imagined. The freshly tatted-up Marinater and I easily found $5 parking in one of the nearby public garages.We were seated promptly, and we ordered our $16 burgers. After a 25-minute wait, our cheeseburgers arrived.

The Burger Breakdown...

The Beef: The beef in the cheeseburgers at The Yard was a combination of house-ground Wagyu...Brisket and Eye Round (both wet-aged). Eye Round was an interesting choice for burger meat. Eye Round is a very lean and quite tough cut of beef. It is often used in cube steak. Eye Round is a cut, which requires braising or other tenderization techniques to make it less chewy. The combination of ground Eye Round and Brisket fell flat at The Yard. The texture was slick on the palate. The burgers were undercooked . to a barely warm Rare. However, cooking that Eye Round past that would have turned the bite into a mouthful of rubber bands. The fat from the Brisket simply coated the chewy bits of nearly raw Eye Round. This created a mouth feel akin to biting into oily, warm, firm, chopped, Jello that was seasoned with mild beef broth. Putting aside the alien texture, the flavor was mildly beefy, and there were so pleasant notes of iron and steak. There was also a faint note of funk  The fat content seemed higher than it probably was, because the fat was not absorbed by the lean, dense Eye Round. The bite was oily. The choice of beef for this burger was interesting...in a bad way.

The Seasoning: There was a faint dusting of salt on the exterior of the burger patty.

The Sear: The sear looked quite nice, but it was no match for the bait shop that comprised the interior of the burger.

The Preparation: Meh. The beef came from Vernon Meats. This was according to our server, but I couldn't locate any such business during a cursory web search. Not that this mattered. This was not the sort of dish that I had any interest in seeking out twice. The burger patties at The Yard were about 6 ounces. I assumed that they were formed during the prep cycle. The pressure with which they were formed?  The Yard could have used an industrial hydraulic press, and it wouldn't have mattered. The burgers would have come out the same as if they were gently formed by blind monks in a cave behind a waterfall.

The Cheese: The Yard employed a stout Gruyere. The Gruyere added tartness, umami, salt, and some nuttiness to the dish. Sadly, Gruyere is not the best of melting cheeses, to this only added to the rubberiness of the bite.

The Bun: The burger bun at The Yard came to us courtesy of Bread Bar. Bread Bar has always provided a fantastic product, and this was no exception. The Brioche was mildly sweet and perfectly tender and fresh. The bun was moderately toasted, but the beef was so wet and slick that the texture of the bun was lost in the bite.

The Meat To Bun Ratio: Perfect.

The Toppings: The burger was much improved when fully dressed with the accompanying arugula, crisp pancetta, and oven-roasted tomatoes. All of these elements lent firmness to the otherwise flaccid bite. The peppery, crisp pancetta was the star.

The Fries: The peel-on, hand-cut, shoestring fries at The Yard were perfectly crisped in fresh canola oil. Further, the fries were perfectly seasoned. The fries were the clear winner on the plate.

The Value: NO! 16 bucks for 6 ounces of chewiness was about 10 bucks too much. Without the Groupon, we would have paid $42 for 2 cheeseburgers and 2 soft drinks....OUCH.

Fat Bruce Lee may or may not have been high when he first tried the burger at The Yard and pronounced it to be good. When The Marinater and I sampled the cheeseburger in 2012, it was an over-priced and ill-considered dish. Within 10 minutes of completing our meals, we both had stomach aches from these gut bombs.

Burger Review : Leave this one to the tourists. This spendy burger will not have you running to The Yard.


Rating...2 Bites




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