Foster's Grille -- Cape Coral, FL

I remember going to Foster's after enduring the gushing recommendations of my colleagues and coming away with a MEH feeling about the place. It was good thing that I excelled at ignoring that inner voice.  The burger at Foster's Grille was darn good.

While fiddling around with the menu and talking myself into a chicken sandwich or a salad, the guy from the kitchen popped by the table and told me to get the burger, because it was great, and he should have known since he was the guy that makes them.  DONE--either I was going rip this place a new one, or I would get an excellent burger--either way, I couldn't lose.


Holy crap!  They must have flown the burger through the sun in order to get the sear/char that it came with. It was amazing.  The sear had the faintest hint of carbon but not enough to be offputting.  You'd swear that it was burnt, but that was just a proper, dark sear. PS--they hit it with steak salt, so it tasted like something.

The 1/2 pound patty was cooked to Med (Florida), but it remained juicy and pretty damn fantastic.

  The bun was a silent bystander.  It competently sopped up the juices while it kept my hands dry--you know, like a bun.

The fries--pretty damn good, too.

The Sear: Boom--amazing.

The Beef: 1/2 pound of 80:20 Chuck. It was juicy, beefy, and tender.

The Seasoning: Perfect

The Preparation: Grilled hat and cooked to Medium.

The Bun: Seeded, standard, toasted, neutral, burger bun.

Meat To Bun Ratio: Perfect.

The Fries: Crisp, hot, seasoned, and browned.

The Value: Solid.

Burger Review :  WIN

Rating...4 Bites

Parlour Steakhouse -- 3rd and 90th -- NYC, NY

1600 3rd Ave
(between 89th St & 90th St)
New York, NY 10128

(212) 423-5888

 http://www.parlorsteakhouse.com/

Damn it all--this should have been a good burger.  Parlour looked like a legit steakhouse/raw bar.  Too bad that they couldn't cook their way out of a wet paper bag.

While the beef was pretty good--it was certainly not properly aged.  Not a trace of seasoning, and the last bite was full of gristle. The grind was off-putting. Somehow, they manage to get the beef ground into strands, so the mouth feel was way off, and the beef was not flavorful enough to savor, which left me chewing on some worst-of -both-worlds cheeseburger/steak hybrid.

The bun--what a disaster.  In a fit of cleverness, someone decided that it would be a good idea to toast the top of the bun--did I say "toast"?  What I meant was immolate.  Nothing crappier than dry, flaky, blackened bread.  Additionally, the dry, burnt bun overwhelmed the smallish, unseasoned patty, so I was left with a bunch of dessicated bread after eating this sad thing.

The cheese--somehow they located the world's most flavorless yellow cheese and decided that would a perfect complement to this disappointment on a bun.  Actually it was--if they were shooting for mediocrity, they nailed it.

The fries were plenty salty, so you know that the talentless falks in the back had access to basic seasonings--sadly, they either used too much or none at all.

Burger Review :  I would have been better off with street meat than this 16 dollar waste of ingredients. Also, I resented them for charging 16 bucks for something this bad.  Save your money---go somewhere else--anywhere else.

Rating...1 Bite

Hamburger Mary's - Orlando, FL

110 West Church Street
Orlando, FL 32801
321-319-0600
Website

At the southern part of downtown Orlando, you'll find Church Street, a small subset of the area's entertainment district. Walk past the booty clubs, ignore the enticement of no cover and free booze, cross the railroad tracks in the next block, and you'll be rewarded with a fine burger joint -- Hamburger Mary's.
Hamburger Mary's is a small chain of restaurants with locations in Chicago, Southern California, Kansas, and Colorado, in addition to the Florida restaurant. They serve mostly comfort/diner food, but of a higher quality. I should also mention that the place is gay. Really gay. A real Burger Buster shouldn't care about such things. However, you do stand a chance of having to endure a drag show along with your burger. If you ask me, it's a small price to pay, even if you have to look at this between bites:

Now, on to the burger. Every burger is a half-pound Black Angus patty, cooked on a flat top and served on a buttered and grilled bun. There are several types of burgers available -- mushroom burgers, bleu cheese burgers, and chili burgers just to name a few. I chose the simple Mary burger -- meat, cheese, a couple of thin pickle slices, and a small amount of Mary's sauce (read: thousand island dressing).

First things first, let me commend their kitchen for understanding that condiments should be accents, and not toppings to be served with a ladle. Nothing drives me more insane than a good burger that is ruined with a swimming pool full of ketchup, mayo, or whatever else the restaurant apparently bought in bulk and needs to dispose of before it goes bad. The cooks here understand this, apparently, as the Mary burger came with what would be considered a drizzle of dressing. It is the perfect amount, providing a nice subtle complement to the sandwich. Thank you, gay cooks, for understanding the concept of subtlety.

But I digress... As always, I ordered my Mary burger medium, and they cooked it perfectly to specification. It definitely passed the eyeball test with flying colors. Next comes the important part -- the taste test. Home run. They use pretty quality beef here, and you can certainly taste the difference. The first bite was a superb combination of flavors -- aging, seasoning, and char. The bun was a fresh kaiser, and was buttered (not too much -- thanks again, cooks, for knowing when to say when) and grilled. As mentioned before, the sauce was a light drizzle, and provided a nice counterpoint to the bold aged beef flavor. I ordered mine with Jack cheese (please subdue laughter), which seemed to be the perfect combination of flavor and melt.

Burger Review -- This is a very good burger, and probably even stacks up well against the best of the best. If you can tolerate showtunes on the music system (not kidding) and a fat old guy in drag providing interactive pseudo-comic entertainment, then you will have yourself a good burger experience.

Rating...4 Bites